Could you let it all go?

This is a copy of a blog a wrote a few weeks ago... I read a blog that posed the question if you got up and walked away from your life today, would you look back? These feelings have been building up and now I would like to publish these thoughts to my new friends at GuG and see what you think... Have you ever had an experience like this?

 

 

 

This past year has been a very...interesting one. I made new friends. I forced a lot of them away. Why I forced them away, I don't exactly know. It wasn't them saying good bye to me. It was my totally stopping talking to someone for no reason. I don't even know if I tried to create a reason at the time. It was simple excommunication. No contact at all. Of course, I hurt a lot of people by doing this. People that today still try to contact me, wanting to know what happened... They'll never know.

My feeling is, I have no real connection to who I am or what I hold close to me any longer. I felt nothing when I pushed those people away. There was no sadness, no feeling of loss, no remorse for what I did to them. At the same time I was dropping friends off the face of the earth, I also lost friends that I didn't want to lose. They made that choice themselves. Again, I felt nothing. This doesn't seem normal, does it?

I have wondered for a very long time, up to a year, as to what I was feeling. What I was doing. And why I was doing it... And I think I have reached a conclusion:

If I was to lose everything I had right now and had the chance to start a totally new life, I would. I wouldn't ever look back to my past, my parents, my sister, my best friends, my friends, and the people I see everyday. Would this be the case if it actually happened? I have no idea. But I feel like I pretend that people are closer then they are. I pretend to tolerate people I really can't stand. I say I love you when it doesn't mean a thing. I feel fake, but it goes unnoticed. But its really happening. Its what I feel. I feel nothing. No love. No friendship. No closeness. Nothing.

I led the first 13 years or so of my life alone. I didn't want anyone in my life. I pushed anyone away that seemed interested in a conversation or a friendship. I learned that I didn't need it to survive. That I enjoyed being left alone and unnoticed in this world. I accomplished things, I screwed up, I lived. No one noticed. So this is my best theory as to why I am willing to leave everything behind.

I just don't know where to go with this blog or what to say about my life and its friendships. Even though I have people that care, I frequently feel alone. I know I always have God, but I feel like thats it.

In closing, thanks to all my friends who are actually my friends and not people who surround themselves around me for any reason other then they enjoy my company. I'm glad your here, in this place and time, and life is made more interesting for it. To my best friends, your the best. I've just accepted the fact that time won't turn back and won't stand still in this time, so I can detach my self more and more everyday, so that in the end, the pain is all the less. Seize the day, but prepare for the future. And try not to live in the past. People and things will always come and go and I'm ready for when it happens.

   

   

Comments

whoa. this was intense for me this early in the morning.

however, i do know what you're talking about.

i have cut people out without ever looking back...my grandmother...never thought twice about it....she had it coming....she tries to contact me now that i have children of my own...she wants to meet them....NOPE! you aren't screwing up my children like you did yours! sorry psycho!

best girlfriend of 8 years....we'd  have coffee, confide secrets, share everything...it ended over a difference of opinion. we are both extremely stubborn....neither of us would ever apologize. oh well...cut my losses....moving on....never regretting it.

so i know the coldness you talk about.

but, as for starting a whole life....never once thinking about family....i don't think i could do that. deep down in my cold heart...JK...i'm a wonderful person...HAHA

i would miss my family...and a handful of people i really do care about....couldn't do it.

Interesting read.  I could let certain people go yes, theres a lot of fakes here in work, that I could let go in a heart beat and never look back.  There are certain family members that I wish would disappear, because it would be easier than me disappearing.  I don't think I've forced people away at least not many because I can't remember a particular instance that I've done that.  Do you not have any clue as to why you are doing this for no reason at all?  I feel alone most of the time lately, and basically I am alone, it's me and my son here in NY and unfortunately I have only one real friend that I can speak of, and that's pretty sad.  Anyway to answer your question, yes I could let it all go if I could take a precious few with me.

What goes around comes around..don't forget it!

I would love to walk away from it all. I almost have many times over the last 10 years. Unfortunately for me I must surrender to my hostage state for another 6 years. I would leave it all behind me with the exception of my children and my husband. The rest and especially a great big screw you to a few requiring some "special" attention can kiss my toosh as I walk away. I do however, know why I feel this way. I am the second wife and stepmom. ugly horrible and down right wrong situations have left me speechless. And if you knew me speechless is quite an accomplishment. I never shut up...(hence my signature below) I will continue to chug along obeying their rules and faking it with her for 6 more years. Then poof*... GONE.. out of state.. I will go.. running.... and not once looking back.

I am glad to hear that you have found the same comfort as me here on GuG..I have found some great friends here and so much support when I really needed it. Not to mention ALOT of laughs when the day has been especially trying

 I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I agree with you about that.   It's not that I couldn't leave and go explore, it's more that I could never permanently lose touch with these people.  And when I say it's a handful, I really mean that few.  Which is why I will always try and keep them.  Most other people in my life, sadly, I would just let go.  

 

"I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring."

i could totally let it all go. life is full of adventure just waiting to happen. some think it is a heartless approach. i tend to look at is as adventurous. the sea is big!

Tuna ><((((*> the other white meat! I am Keeper Of The Whip!

No.  I've let a few very close friends go...because I'm stubborn, because I have a way of cutting people out of my life, licking the wound, and moving on.  Doesn't work with everyone in my life though...as proved my some of the threads I've posted.  Because of the deep love I feel for just a handful of people in my life, I couldn't just walk away and never look back.  I have God all the time in my heart and above me.  But I have these few in my heart and down in the trenches with me.

 

"I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring."

So could you let it all go? 

I know someone who's a lot like you...they're wonderful in their own way.  As I'm sure you are.  I'll tell you what I tell them every time they say almost exactly what I just read in your blog- Continue to be who are you are; because who you are is what makes you so special.  Even if you don't want to, and even if you keep it locked away deep inside, always know there are people who really, truly love you.  But look for that one thing that you DO want to hold onto. Even if takes a while.  The rest will follow.

"I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring."

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