Craziness with Austin Film Festival and Rob Pattinson





As told by a crazy person…

La la laaa... okay... so the other weekend... I read the Twilight series... alllll four books (and as of tonight I've read the partial 5th)... yeah... I enjoyed them... but it left me with an issue I've never encountered before... I started doing a lot of research on the movie coming out in November... and became rather... obsessive... with the actor Robert Pattinson...

Like some psycho fangirl...

Ugh.

I don't get celebrity crushes like that... never have... the extent of my past experiences was just thinking that they're hot, or they have a sexy voice... that's it... they never entered my dreams or even my head unless I saw them or was involved in a conversation about them...

This was new... an infatuation...

Thankfully though, I'm not completely deluded.  Unlike what I've now witnessed in person (we'll get to that later) I knew the difference between Robert Pattinson and Edward Cullen. 

Edward Cullen is a vampire, a fictional character... made to appear almost god like in his perfection (unless you've read the partial Midnight Sun)... I shouldn't say that he appears perfect, but the Twilight series is narrated through Bella's eyes, and she seems to see him that way.

Robert Pattinson, is a 22 year old British actor. He's got the exact same nervous tick as I do (running hands through our hair as shown in the picture at the end of this blog). He's human, yet undeniably beautiful for a man. He's shy and tends to babble or not know what to say when publicly speaking (as I've witnessed firsthand... again I'll get to that later).

So back to this adoration... he popped up everywhere... always in my head... even in sleep I couldn't escape him... no, not like that… please remove your mind from the gutter. 

I have other things to think about rather than some superficial impossible childlike crush... it was ridiculous... there's no purpose to feel that way towards someone who will never know you exist, let alone someone you couldn't get even if they did know you exist.

This involuntary obsession was getting on my nerves... so, I came up with a plan. 

My new goal was to research everything I could about him.  Yes, this made me look like even worse of an obsessive stalker to the unknowing eye... but there was a purpose.

Without knowing anything about him, he remained whatever my mind wanted him to be. He was flawless and sublime.

I realized that looking up pictures wasn't helping.  More and more perfection.  Especially with his leading role as the 'perfect' vampire... Vampires are sexy... I went on to other things.

Biographies... they gave the same basic information... everything but his shoe size... evidently as a child his sisters used to dress him up as a girl and tell people he was their sister.  Useless information.

What was I searching for? Anything that would make him flawed. Anything that would put me off. A story about him kicking a puppy, or a quote saying that ramen should be taken off the market... anything.

Him and his stupid sexy hair...

Interviews... I found near relief in as many interviews as I could google... the printed ones didn't do much to help... videos were a bit more conducive... I realized that he has this inability to actually say anything... he rambles on with a few words of a sentence, incomplete thoughts, and starts on another incomplete thought... and by the end of his long speech, he not only hasn't answered the question, but now you're just going "...HUH?!"

So... his responses in interviews were complete nonsense... was he an idiot? GOLD! It was small, but I held onto that idea like it was life or death. I focused as much as I could on the concept that he might be rather dense behind the blue eyes.

Every time that he popped into my head (I still wasn't free) I was able to push him away for a bit by telling myself that he's a moron...

But I ran into another problem... well... I guess I should say that my personality finally caught up to me... my rational side informed me that I don't actually know him, and a few interviews do not actually tell me that he's stupid.

Dammit.

I had only had about a day and a half of semi peace... If only I could have kept myself convinced that he lacked basic intelligence (at least enough to complete a sentence), maybe the obsession would abate over time and eventually die out…

But logic reigned supreme... I knew that his incoherent ramblings could be caused by many things that I was unaware of.

So... I was back to being stupidly infatuated.

I'm not one to give up, so I continued in with my research... there really isn't much said about him... nothing helpful... it's all very vague and basic.  Maybe I should have taken to looking for news in tabloids, since that's usually false and utterly scandalous... how quick they are to slander celebrities... but again, I  know myself well enough to know I wouldn't believe it long enough to help.

I'm starting to sound like I need to be committed.

Anyway, back to the story.  I eventually found something around Tuesday or Wednesday of last week. (My mind seemed to think keeping track of the days was unimportant now)...  Blogspot.

"The 15th annual Austin Film Festival has just confirmed that rising Twilight star Robert Pattinson is scheduled to attend the “How To Be” screening, Saturday, October 18, 7:15PM at the Regal Arbor Cinema in Austin, TX."

*hyperventilates*

This is what I've been looking for! How perfect that this would fall into my lap a few days before it's to be. Right as I’m getting to the point of pulling out my hair! My luck would usually have had me find that on October 19th... or the 18th at 9 PM...

My theory has always been, in order to make life more bearable, that celebrities are not all that attractive in person... that they're just photogenic, or prepared, or airbrushed... whatever...

Maybe if I saw him in person, he'd look plain... maybe he'd actually act like an idiot the whole time, confirming my earlier suspicions... maybe I could finally rid myself of this incessant wave of crazed fanaticism...

So the problem now was to find someone who would go with me. Austin is only an hour away... less with my driving.  Thursday I thought I had a taker, but he ended up unable to get out of work... and didn't find out till mid day Friday... from there I finally found someone to go... YAY! I'd usually be all for going by myself, but I'm not walking around Austin by myself at night.  I might be a loner, but I still have my self preservation instincts..

Yes, I know the way I just wrote that doesn't display the significance of the issue, but trust me... there was a lot of difficulty in finding someone to go on such short notice. Many phone calls, and if you don't know how much I hate the phone, then you probably wouldn't understand how problematic this really was.

Anyway, so Saturday rolls around. It started off badly enough, but eventually I got through the shower and dressed myself. In the midst of putting on my makeup, my co-traveler arrived.

She was early.

No problem... I continued to put on my makeup, but now I had to hold up one end of a conversation... This slowed me down, but not a problem. I still hadn't explained to her my real reason for wanting to go to the Austin Film Festival.

Sidenote: For those who don't know, the Austin Film Festival is over a week long. This year it's 8 days long and over 190 films shown.  It's mostly for screenplay writers and producers to learn and network. There are lots of conferences and such going on... blah blah... yeah... last year Juno was one of the films debuted at the AFF..

Anyway...

Whilst I was doing my hair and makeup, I started talking to her about Twilight... asked her if she was going to see the movie. When she sounded enthusiastic enough in her 'yes', I asked if she wanted to read the books.  I went into my bedroom and sifted through my piles of junk on the floor and pulled out the four books to the series and handed them to her.

I finished getting ready and we were out the door by noon.  She put her things in my trunk and I had my laptop just in case I needed to stop and get directions via mapquest.  I have the worst sense of direction ever ingrained in a person.

We finally got there (and circled the hotel 3 or 4 times before we realized that IT was the place we wanted to be)... parked in a parking garage... Not sure if I really want to announce this moment in public, since there were no security cameras to catch it on tape... but as we were walking down the slope of the parking garage, we started to hear a loud car coming up, and fast... the area we were in would make it impossible for them to see us in time... I went almost into shock just attempting to figure out what would possess someone to drive like that with limited sight... we both scatter running in odd directions quickly turning around into another direction when we realize that nowhere was safe. We looked psychotic. I sincerely only thought 'I hope there are no cameras' while we ran in odd directions... we both finally hopped onto a ledge and sat for a sec... the sound of the car faded... What we had heard, was only an echo.

If I ever doubted Robert's intelligence, this moment made him look genius compared to my friend and myself... confirming my inability to truly believe he's dumb without truthfully knowing.

So we finally made it out of the parking garage, no cars tried to kill us. But we WERE laughing our asses off at ourselves.  The laughing continued for about 10 straight minutes, and would come and go throughout the day.

We get to the Driskill Hotel (basically the AFF headquarters) and make our way to registration to pick up our film passes... From there we went to Starbucks for a caffeine refill, and then wandered around into a few nearby shops.

I wasn't really sure how all of this worked so looking through the AFF program we picked out some film to go see... what I hadn't realized is I don't have the directions to any of these places.  Well, except to the one place that Robert Pattinson was going to be... Thankfully the first film we picked out was going to be at the same place, so this would get me a bit more familiar as to where I would be going later.  

That was a bust.  Turns out they decided to pick the most hidden locations EVER thought possible.  We were in the right area, but we couldn't see where the correct building was.  I drove back and forth back and forth... ended up in a shopping center by Starbucks to pull out the lappy.  Still confused... Back and forth... finally I picked a street that seemed to be in the right area, and drove down it for half a second before the trees disappeared and BAM! There's the theater place. 

We were late.  So while discussing if she wanted to go in late or go somewhere else, we flipped through the program some more... at 4:00 there was something called Adapting Twilight. Odd, I thought. She read the little blurb about it:

"The record breaking Twilight series has been a landmark in the young adult novel and is now in production as a major fall release. hear from screenwriter Melissa Rosenburg on the process of translating the hit novel into a blockbuster film and watch a clip from the film."

Seriously? The screenwriter of the Twilight movie was at the film festival?? How cool is that?! We had to go...

Only, Austin again, did not disappoint us when it came to getting lost and being UNABLE to find the building.  After driving up and down the street (after driving up and down many wrong streets) I finally stopped at the only building I could see on the road that had people around it. Not AFF people because I saw no badges around their necks... but people nonetheless. When I asked someone working there (some antique show or something) turns out the building we wanted was next door... there are no words on these buildings, no signs around anywhere... explain how I'm supposed to know where to go??!

We were late again. 30 minutes late.  We went in anyway. We missed the movie clip, but I got to hear about how she wrote the movie based on the book... audience got to ask questions. It was pretty cool.  Turns out she had to write the entire movie in 5 weeks before the Writers’ Strike began in order to have the movie produced. It's said to remain pretty loyal to the book, but some differences in order to stick to basic movie structure (with a bit of extra background info and actually showing some of the things the vampires can do rather than just talking about them).  They also kind of hinted at the possibility of having sequels, but nothing worth betting on.  She said that if she did a movie for New Moon, that she would try to have Edward in it more.. in some way... since yeah... I won't spoil the book for you.

So maybe if Twilight does well in theaters, there will be sequels? Let's hope!

Oh, and the hardest part of creating the movie? Vampire skin in the sunlight. For those who have read it, you know what I mean... for those who haven't... you'll either have to read or wait.  They evidently tried many different things... and Stephenie Meyer was finally satisfied with how it turned out... so let's hope it's good.

Back to the film festival... we decided to go ahead and go back to where Robert Pattinson's movie would be... granted we had two hours, but we weren't taking any more chances.

We got there and there was already some crazy line. We chilled out up front (didn't realize that we should even be in one of the lines) for a bit and wandered around.

Other side note: This was the screening for the British indie film How To Be... I'll elaborate more on that in a minute... but Robert Pattinson was the star in this... this film had nothing to do with Twilight... I just wanted to make that clear.

Evidently I was not Rob's only adoring fan.

The lines were constructed of many MANY females... mostly younger than me... all very deluded. We finally found the correct line that we should have been in from the start... long... LONG line...The surrounding girls were irritating me, while at the same time improving my self esteem.

I'd been rather ashamed of this stupid idolization of mine, but at least I knew Robert Pattinson was his own person.  These girls sincerely seemed to believe that he and Edward Cullen were one in the same. I recall one group’s conversation.  The girls seemed to think very highly of themselves because they loved Debussy's Clair de Lune... and they all had it playing in their stereos at all times...

*scoffs*

For those who haven't read Twilight, Clair de Lune makes an appearance as one of Edward's and Bella's favorite classical pieces... He's almost amazed that she would have an interest in something composed by Debussy...

Yeah... for all they know, Robert Pattinson HATES Debussy... but... they don't know... and have their own perceived notions about who he is, as though they know him.

This same group was on my nerves for other reasons as well... they were very... loud.  In a female way. I don't know if I can explain that, but that's the only description for it I have at the moment.  They were very high and mighty, and even though they seemed to think they were made for Robert Pattinson simply with their forced supposed love of Debussy, they looked down on everyone else who seemed to think the same, very possibly with less misconception than these girls in front of me.  They made statements something like, 'Like he's just going to walk out and see one of these girls and be like 'Hey, I like *you*! Let's go!''... It seemed ironic to me for them to trash girls for thinking the same thing that they were obviously thinking themselves.

It also bothered me to think that they might actually group me in with these people... I was there to get RID of an obsession... I have no misled thoughts of being able to attract the movie star.  For one, I know he's not even seeing the girls... not really.  At least if he's anything like me.   Whenever I have all eyes on me, I tend to blur them out... does that make sense?  I don't focus on the people as individuals; they're just one blob... a singular thing.  You can't pick out faces in a blob.  Unless I'm nuts, he's not looking at individual fans, but at the group as one.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, because Rob isn't here yet.

They begin letting people in.  People with badges first... film passes next… Then, if there's room, people can buy individual tickets. Hence the different lines.

The lady behind us asked us if we knew what was with all the young females in line, that she'd been at the festival for a few days and hadn't seen anything like this.

In her British accent. She moved from London to Austin... Robert's from London... :)

          (notice the small odd signs that fate seems to be throwing at me... like this was meant to be… first the film festival appearance announcement, adapting twilight, now another Brit… it keeps going… just watch…)

We gladly explained the Robert Pattinson situation along with the Twilight phenomenon... or I did, since my friend wasn't so much interested or obsessed knowledgeable on this subject as I was.  So we continued to chat, and somehow got into talking about the economy, healthcare system, politics... a real conversation, with someone with a BRAIN!!! There's hope for humanity yet.

Slowly we move forward as the line gets shorter.  There were a ridiculous amount of people in these lines to begin with… I honestly didn’t think we’d get in.

They stop the line at the group in front of us………

What?!

We wait…….

After a minute that seemed like forever, someone comes out and says 10 more people can go in.

I was part of the last group let in. Another sign?

We look for two seats together… we spot them, only 4 rows from the front… that seemed odd to me that we’d be so close with so many people already in there… Another sign?

We sit. And wait… and wait… Some people are up front talking about… I don’t know… something I’m sure… The group of females behind me were obnoxious… they had the squealing girly voices… loud too…

Speaking of signs, there’s one I hadn’t even realized… and wouldn’t have realized until my friend mentioned it… something I had completely forgot about… maybe you’ll have figured it out?  It doesn’t show up yet, but I felt dumb for not remembering when the time did come… I’ll let you know.

They started the movie… they started it a few times because the sound was AWFUL… all sorts of screwed up… it took about 30 minutes before it was somewhat corrected… it was still bad, but it was bearable.

The movie itself… was… weird.  I don’t want to say bad, because it doesn’t fall into the category of most entertainment our overly insatiable minds usually expect. It had its moments, but I definitely would say that you have to like indie B films with British humor to *really* like it. I think if I watched it by myself and was less distracted, I’d find it much more appealing.

What distracted me the most, besides the thoughts of seeing Robert Pattinson in person… was the overacting done by, not the actors in the film… but the audience.

I’ll admit the film had plenty of humorous moments, and a few sad ones… but the forced loud laughing and the ‘awwwww’s’ were superfluous…

Yes, I’m aware they did it because Rob Pattinson would be there… but that doesn’t make it any less unnatural or any more acceptable.  It was just out of place.

The movie ended. 

Everyone cheered and applauded… just something else to add in the superfluous category… That reaction doesn’t happen in other movies… not even in the best movies…

The director came up, along with the face that’s been haunting me for weeks…

UGH…

He was even more freakishly beautiful in person… and only 20 feet away from me.

They allowed the audience to ask questions… this was my last real hope at having him make himself unattractive.

He rambled on… saying nothing as usual… he laughed a lot… and that’s when I noticed what some people seemed to be oblivious to… our shared nervous tick… What seemed like kind of a sexy subconscious habit on his part, was actually he repeated far FAR too often for it to just be a simple habit… paired with his rambling and repeated giggling, the constant running his hands through his hair (at this rate he’ll be bald before he’s 30!) should have been obvious… Robert Pattinson is SHY!

DAMMIT!

Now I actually had the reason for his disorderly sentence structure… I can’t even think badly about his poorly worded answers (or lack of)… I feel for him… When I’m shy I ramble without saying anything too…

Well, at least I can hope that maybe he *is* unintelligent after all… or maybe he does kick puppies… the one thing I truly know is that I don’t know him at all… and never will… so there’s always the very real possibility that I’d not like him as a person if I did know him… I’ll just hold on to that for now…

So after many questions, and some microphone troubles (which were quite amusing)… the Q&A ended and they mentioned that he’d be signing autographs out front… so we went to get in line…

I had no thoughts on getting an autograph when I went to this… but now my hopes were sky high… only… the line was already long when we got out of the theater… my assumption is that they were people that hadn’t gotten into the screening of the movie… off to the back of the line we went.

We got to listen to more ramblings of the girls who seemed to be fantasizing of Robert locking eyes with them and walking over and proposing… or whatever it is girls fantasize about…

I was just trying to figure out what I could get him to sign… at this point I was thinking my shirt (hey, it wouldn’t be the first time)… that or my film pass, but those are small…

Remember when I was mentioning to you about the signs? About the one I hadn’t even realized until now, when my friend mentioned it? Yeah, well here it is.

She reminded me of her newly loaned series in the back of my trunk… and asked if I would like for her to get my Twilight book for him to sign…

How PERFECT would that be?!

This day had been ridiculous in where it had led me.  Could for once in my life, fate be on my side?

I was going to be a very VERY happy camper… if I had to be shamefully crushed on this celebrity, couldn’t I at least have *something* out of it? Just a signature?

My friend returned with my book, and you couldn’t have taken the smile off of my face with a crowbar.  The world seemed to be perfect, all my troubles gone… just in the simple idea that for once it wasn’t working against me, even if for only one day.

We waited.

We listened to very annoying girls babbling about insignificant thought, ideas, fantasies… whatever.

We waited more.

Then…. A lady came by, and said that he’d only be signing for another 30 minutes… and that we probably wouldn’t make the cut…

No, I didn’t believe that, because fate was on my side today.  Even if I’m doomed to be disgraced with such manic thoughts of some stupid boy that may as well not be real, I could have this.

Many people in front of us left the line, causing my hopes to solidify more, and become more determined to have this book signed.

We continued to move closer…

But evidently it was going so slowly because they kept pulling him away from signing in order to take pictures for the film festival…

And then it happened… 20 or so people in front of me, they closed off the line to get autographs…

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Soooooooo close!!!

I wanted to kick, and scream, and more violently, beat people down to get to the front of the line… but I’m more composed than that. I just sorta stand there… looking down… and then looking back up to where he is… and back down again… debating how much cash it would take for one of the AFF crew to sneak my book in front of him before he notices… debating if I’d sink that low just for a written name…

What’s in a name?

*shrugs*

I finally concluded that I didn’t come here for an autograph… it really wasn’t that big of a deal… it would have been nice… but it’s more reassuring to know that fate was playing a cruel joke on me, granted this time it was sick and twisted… but at least fate is consistent. A day on my side may have thrown the universe out of whack.

I wish I could have taken pictures.  Inside the theater we’d be kicked out… outside, it was too crowded… but I did find some online…

Why did he have to be Edward Cullen? If they had cast someone else, he wouldn’t have been thrown in my face for me to notice… ugh... well at least I've not been thinking of him so much. I think I've gotten a grip on knowing that I don't know him lol. Or maybe I've just been too busy since the festival to pay any attention... *shrugs*... I'm hoping that I'm getting better... I don't like being one of those stupid crazy fanatic girls.. Things like that aren't supposed to affect me... I have better more realistic things to spend my time on, and it would be hard to do that from an insane asylum, which is where I'm going to commit myself if this happens again.

 

 

just thought I'd add... at the end of the night, the UT vs. A&M game let out... sticking us in traffic forever.. No one was even the slightest bit courteous when driving, and after a while I got tired of being so forceful with my car that i just gave up... didn't get home till late... was exhausted, my feet hurt, stomach was killing me... but up until they stopped taking autographs, the day was good... lots of being stupid and laughing at ourselves... plenty of glances our way to boost our egos...

Sorry for the long blog... I think this actually came out to over 10 pages in Word... but now that it's allllll off my chest, the healing can begin lmao... that and I can stop repeating this story to people. I hate repeating myself.

 

   

   

Comments

The books, I still haven't gotten over... I'm still having dreams about vampires and such.. I'm completely obsessed...

The actor... well, I would categorize myself as out of that phase... the movie helped since it sucked... also the fact that he's not as impressive to look at on screen or in pictures... and since the 'in person' visual has pretty much faded into oblivion... well... yeah...

And seeing his face on EVERY magazine has made him far less intriguing... it's Mmmbop all over again... yes... I said it... I was of the Hanson generation... and you get hit with too much of something you like... well... you get bored and almost disgusted with it... I'm not quite to the 'disgusted' phase yet... but I'm definitely bored... almost to annoyed...

I mean... come on... one person isn't *that* interesting... especially since it's the same crap being said... and it all leads to saying, well... nothing... how can so much media cover one person, and still not have anything worth reading/hearing/etc... there's gotta be something more going on in the world.

I'm finding more joy in the Sunday Ads than in the latest Pattinson gossip... although I'm still a sucker for any Twilight news.... so I keep running into him as would be expected... Kristen Stewart's new movie looks cool 'Adventureland'... and I'm glad they're making New Moon into a movie, although it seems like they've already started screwing it up.... But New Moon was my favorite book in the series so I'm still holding out hope... not that hope got me anywhere with the first movie.

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Wow - had EXACTLY the same experience. Read the books, researched the movie/casting and was rooting for it. Great cast, director, female screenwriter too. Filmed in/near my hometown. Loved the stupid books, loved reading up on the movie (even though it was a disppointment in many ways) and loved watching Rob and his nervous twitches on Ellen and the Tonight Show - he's handsome and his obvious discomfort with the attention is endearing. Loved reading your blog and relating to looking for a reason to hate him - didn't find a one. Isn't it more angsty for a grown-up to have a crush than a teen fan-girl? Maybe because we know how stupid it is. Maybe because as a teenager I BELIEVED that I would find the personification of my crush one day. Instead, as a married, 30-something fan girl it's pretty clear that's not happening. I'm desparate to be crushing on my husband this way - 10 years of marriage and two small kids later it's hard to keep that spark/attraction going. Did you see the movie? Are you still crazy for Rob after seeing Twilight and his beautiful face everywhere? Or are you over it? If you've found a way to get over it, please share. Then I can get over feeling so silly about my infatuation with the books and the actor.

Might you have the other half of this locket? I could have written this... aside from being lucky enough to actually see Robert Pattison in person. I got a crush on him in Harry Potter, and now he's everywhere and I am feel like I am developing mental instabilities to be my age and have a crush on a celebrity. What is going on? I too have been looking for things wrong with him in order to stop this craziness. Everything I find seems to make him more endearing and then I saw the movie trailer... good lord he's good looking in that movie, but the worse... the absolute worse is that I realize he isn't Edward Cullen and like him better as himself.... agh... there is no hope. Actually I am hoping that once the movie opens and he's not on every channel or internet site I see it will go away. I also try to use the insane number of Tween crushes to rationalize myself out of this crush. Seeing how ridiculous they act, etc., hoping to discust myself enough to fix it.... it's not working. Instead I am just ashamed to be reduced to the same level as a bunch of kids. Darn you Robert Pattison.... must you be so adorable and funny?

I wish... I think he was a little put off by the fact that the audience was 90% 16 year old females... he seemed to try to not look at us much... Maybe I should have worn something attention getting... like... nothing at all... lmao...

Anyway, it's not like I'd have a chance with him, and it's not like I'd ever want to be with someone with that many girls chasing after him... it would be nice if he'd be an bottom-meany-roonie or something... I'd rather hate him.

Next time my blog gets over 10 pages, I'll mention in the beginning to get a snack and a drink... just for you :)

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*YOUR* hopes were crushed?? I was THERE!! lol...

No, his picture wasn't on the cover of the book... actually I got the book by chance.. just looked interesting and I needed another airplane book... then I saw it had a sticker mentioning it becoming a movie... I already had a picture of my vampire in my head... and it's freakish how close he looked to Rob Pattinson... my visual had less tousled hair, and was a little shorter...

But when I looked into it, the boy they picked was even better than my vision of him... and then it started.

Speaking of the cover of the book... Twilight's cover is of pale hands holding an apple... The author actually had a lot of say in that cover (which is unusual in the publishing industry)... The apple was supposed to be like the forbidden fruit... fun fact of the day for ya...

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Awwww. You had me on an emotional rollercoaster with this blog. I was so excited when you were going to get the autograph and then BAM, my hopes were crushed. I bet they had his picture on the cover of the book huh? Otherwise, you probably wouldn't care who played the character in the book. It was implanted in your brain from the beginning.

wow talk about a dashboard confessional.  sounds like it was hands down.  im happy you had a fantastic time.

I told you, your crazy. But no more so then the rest of us... So there is a bright side! :)

And your existence is fascinating. Not pathetic.

 

---The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had---

I'm not crazy!

But I'm glad I entertained you with my pathetic existence.

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I can't believe I just read all that... I knew most of the story, minus the humor you tried to add to make yourself sound a little more sane... And I haven't drawn any more conclusions, except that your still a great storyteller. And crazy, but we all knew that. :D

 

---The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had---

nah, these things have no sense of time.  they just creep up on you.  i remember having this insane crush on orlando bloom.  i didn't know what to do with myself.  everytime i saw his face on a magazine or a movie with him in it.  and the thoughts were also innocent.  a crush.  silly butterflies.  but knowing it would never be.  drove me nuts and i felt like one of those crazy girls you described.  one day it was gone.  that was a relief.  worse is when it's not a celebrity and you may actually have a shot.  but life doesn't allow it to start. now that can drive you truly mad. currently i have a huge crush on jim sturgess.  i realize this will never happen so i just look at his handsome face and sigh.  ha.  feelings are always an inconvenience.  regardless of whether or not they amount to anything.  life.  lol.

"Lately it occurs to me- what a long, strange trip it's been..."

 Yes, I suppose I could have done worse.

It's just weird... it's not like I've got some perverted thoughts and dreams going on in my head... Everything in my head is very innocent... but it's still there... which I don't really have any expendable time for something this trivial.  Could this have not shown up in a month when the movie comes out?

It's just very inconvenient right now.

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hmm, yes.  infatuation.  it doesn't happen much for me either but, when it does, it sounds eerily similar to this.  reading your obsessions thoughts, reminds me of those feelings of giddiness, amusement, and downright bewilderment at the possibilty of getting so disgustingly obsessed over some random face in the world.  a celebrity face which you, by luck, got to be closer to than most people ever will.  the best i can tell ya is, this does go away.  one day you'll wake up and the world will make sense again.  lol.  fun read girlie.  :)

and hey- if you've gotta develop an infatuation on someone, you could have done much worse than him.  ;)

"Lately it occurs to me- what a long, strange trip it's been..."

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