Dear alcohol...

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 AM. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit-Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you've went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, i see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary and the black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 PM hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now, and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3 PM (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue the fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

1. innovative
2. preliminary
3. proliferation
4. cinnamon

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

1. Thanks, but i don't want to have sex
2. Nope, no more beer for me
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing



The truth is that an addiction treatment is the only chance for these people. Unfortunately, we don't have many places where to find that, but I am sure that with the help of their relatives and friends they can fight this 'war.

"5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing"

Ha ha so funny!

It's so articulate too, just adds to the funniness.

I Love this! Especially #1.

This is good, cant say i have personified alcohol befor, or maybe i have ... *confused*

the impossible things to say made me become the silent type in my early stages :p

 'Anonymity' is hard to say sober.... I bet it's torture when intoxicated...

I have written a similar letter to Alcohol many a time.  I understand completely where you're coming from and find myself having the same difficulties as you when I am a bit of sorts thanks to our mutual buddy.  Ahh yes.  I know him well.  He has helped me as he has helped you.  At least, I like to call it help.  Here's to you critterkeeper *holds up nightly glass of red*.   Not for the letter you have written but for the amazing woman you are.  And, about your post on my blog, I appreciate the sentiment but you are every bit as tough as I am.  Don't forget it.  Cheers.  Kiss

"I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring."

Awwww.... man, I found a typo. It should be "our" previous evening... Shucks.

NEVERMIND, after posting this, I found the edit tab... tricking me, making it a tab in the blogs... pretty darn clever. 

Be yourself...... Everyone else is taken!

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