..... eh........

I suppose no one here really know anything about my personal life at all. Cept those of you who have visited my myspace through my profile, I can't think of how any of you'd know anything of any significance. I'm not sure what's a critical detail and what's irrelvent, so this may be long winded. But here it goes.

all names are fake.

little over 2 years ago, I had had a myspace for about 4 months or so and I was talking to my friend Alen and his then girlfriend Baily (who I did not know prior) on one of the message boards there. I got a long with Baily quite well, and we started talking in Myspace messages and then AIM and then all three of us where hanging out all the time and what not and la de dah. She was actually my first kiss (at 19!), followed shortly after by me kissing Alen. But then in the fall they broke up. Alen hated her, and she just went about her life. I initially stayed friends with both of them, but then came December 4th. Around 11:30 at night I get a knock on my front door by my brothers friends mom saying that her son and my brother had been involved in a car accident. Craig, the friend, was briefly knocked out and suffered some minor neck injury. I think it was a sprain. My brother suffered a closed head injury and slept for almost a week straight (slept, he was never in a coma). Two weeks after the accident, fresh from waking, he put on and took off a pair of socks and was so mentally exhausted from that that he could nothing more then go back to bed. I was absolutely at the ends of my wits, but keeping a cool face on. I don't have supportive family ties. My aunts and uncles are spread from sea to shining sea. And if you count 2nd cousins and what not, across the pond too. And my parents..... well, they where taking out all there stress out on me and I actually couldn't spend as much time with my brother as I would of liked because of there omnipressense and my need to stay away from them. My friends, Alen kept trying to get me to laugh; which wasn't appropriate. Esp. when he trivialized the severity of my brothers injurys. Dale.... Dale was, as always, stoned. He was, and is, completely oblivious. Elain.... well, I went by her house and there was a sign on the door saying that the property had been declared abondoned by the township. Which leaves me with Baily. Baily, started pushing me away. To which I responded by simply cutting all contact with her by the end of December. In early January I contact her on Myspace and ask her if cutting her out of my life was an over-reaction. She gives some non-response that basicly amounts to she doesn't care. So, that's a no. I didn't over-react. Eventually, after having my parents take out all there stress out on me for several months and not having a friend in the world to turn to Dale finally catches on alittle. All he says is "I don't know how I can help you". But it's too late and I end up in a phyche ward about 3 days later. After I spend 17 days there in my own personal hell, that was admittidly more mental then material (I told my shrink I wanted an attorney, she told me I don't get one, I tried breaking out, they gave me a shot that caused me extremely violent muscel spasms and made me honestly scared that my neck was going to snap. I decide to roll over and play beeeiotch. The material sitution doesn't matter, the very moment I decided to roll over and play beeeiotch I was in hell), I get out. About a month or two later Baily messages me on Myspace and sends me a friend request. I read her blog, and she has an entry talking about how she "tries reinventing herself" when she gets a new boyfriend, and how she's sorry and blah blah blah.... I accept her friend request. We don't talk much for the first few months, mostly because she seems atleast alittle interested in me and I'm feeling spiteful and want to toy with her. Eventually I decide that I just want to be friends with her again, and we start talking. We try setting up something to see each other at school (college), but it doesn't really work. In October, we start talking in AIM with regularity, and try meeting and la de dah.. But I keep biting her head off over little things. On December 11th her brother dies in a car accident. I offer her my friendship, but she rejects it and tells me flattly that she perfers other people. I try offering my friendship still, but it doesn't work. We don't talk until shortly after Christmas. Day before New Years Eve, her boyfriend dumps her. I tried consoling her and la de dah.... She's talking about what she wants to do for New Years, I tell her if nothing else works out that maybe she could give me a call. She says ohkay. She ends up getting back together with her boyfriend on New Years Eve. About half a month later he cheats on her and dumps her. About a week later, I start biting her head off again over trivial things. Early Febuary, it seems like we are getting more distant and I finally tell her that I've not forgiven her and that I'm still pissed about her turning her back on me when I needed a friend most. She messages me on AIM a couple days later and she starts asking all these questions about my job and stuff, stuff that makes it seem like she might actually have some interest in me. I kinda kill the conversation because I'm looking for an angle..... a few days later, she basicly asks if she should have casual sex with her friend Frank. Then a day or so later, she's beeeiotching about being so busy, having 2 or 3 partys to go too.... this when she knows that she's the closest I come to having a friend. Then a day or so after the partys, she's telling me about how she loves this guy who's going into the army. and la de dah...... a couple days ago I deleted her from my myspace and sent her this:

Baily, I don't know what to say. I love you, but frequently I wish I didn't. You probably don't give a fudge, so me trying to figure out what to say would be a waste of time.

good bye.

if you ever want to be friends, barring a radical change in my outlook, I'll welcome you with open arms. But I've no interest in keeping you as an aquantince.

I've gotten no response to this. I don't know what to do. I need a friend so bad. I'm at the end of my freakin wits. I find myself curled up in a ball rocking back about to pull out my hair, and all I freakin want is a hug..... and all I can do is talk to some girl I know on-line who lives in England...... I don't know, at the very least I need to last long enough to move to Seattle (an old friend I've not seen in 6 years is moving there.... and another girl I talk to on-line lives there), and I'm not sure if I can even do that much.........




hmm.... not even going to bother trying to explain what's happened tween me and Baily since posting this blog. But I think that bridge has been napalmed!.... explamination point is an expression of my strangly cynical humor. Otherwise, visted Gwynn (I had to use girlsnames.com to get a girls name that's not just a feminized male name (like, Georgina)) at her work (waitressing). Last time I saw her was high school graduation. She approached me when I was looking a different direction and gave me a hug. in the brief moment I saw her face and the way she hugged me it was obvious she was distressed, I gave her a quick squeez then let her go to look at her face and figure out if she was scared or sad. But as soon as I let her go she turned and walked away. But back to recent history (Monday), she didn't inititally remember me and seemed nervious. But I got her to lower her guard for a little bit, and even got her laughing. Gave her a hug in parting, and she seemed a lot less nervious after that. I've known Gwynn since 6th grade, she's always seemed like a very friendly, kind, well balanced girl... I think her home life might of sucked pretty bad though......

 my dear issac, i really believe you know in your heart what you should do. you sound such a caring guy that you deserve much more than this person can give you, what you wrote to her was how you felt in a strong moment -stick to that - your own advice is the right advice. i wish you love and happiness, x





" think if you can figure out what you need to do for yourself to become the man that a good woman can love you'll find her somewhere."

p to the izzle- that is the best relationship advice ive heard in my whole 31 years! it applies to both men and women....

..that said, isaac you need to way the pros and cons of your current situation and the pros and cons if you were to move, then do what gets the most pros...

...hey you're at the age where the sky is the limit...it's great to be able to have the freedom to get up and go...start looking at the bright side of things...your online friend is doing you a favor by not responding, she probably isn't what you need right now.


To err is human, to forgive divine

Damn. I have to say that moving may not be the best idea. It may be the best idea. That's a tough call. My dad once told me something about how he came to be remarried. My parent's divorce  finalized on my 21st birthday. My dad lived by himself on a farm his friend owned after the divorce. I visited him fairly often but my dad doesn't show emotion at all so I was a little surprised when he told me this story. After a while of being single he started to attend a local church. His preacher told him that before he could find a woman who could share his life with him he had to become the man that a good woman could love. For my dad that mostly meant that he stopped drinking. Enter Helen. She attended my dad's church. She is that good woman my dad needed. I think if you can figure out what you need to do for yourself to become the man that a good woman can love you'll find her somewhere. Back to the move. Maybe that is something you need to do for yourself is to pick up and move. Maybe it's just to value yourself more. My dad moved from where he had lived to the next city over. That's where he met Helen. She lived in the city he moved from but went to church where he now lived. 

"I'm just like you only shorter."


my dear, dear, sweet, sad isaac, i am hugging you in your vulnerability. those times of need can be so  tiring, they leave us  in exhaustion's  grasp and the smallest deed can feel like devastation.  but only you can change that. you have that power. isaac, you can't rely on others for your personal victories and your private rewards, no matter how big or small. relying on others will ultimately bring you disappointment because they just can't be fulfilled all the time by someone else. isaac, the little i have come to know you on this site tells me that you are caring and compassionate, extremely intelligent and maybe a bit naive. and that's okay. and more importantly those traits are strengths that you can build on. thrive on them. feed your soul with the knowledge that you can be strong and smart. i hope this does not feel like a lecture, it's not meant to. it is meant to enliven you. it is meant to soothe you. i hope it does...juliek


You know what Isaac? We are here. And I know we are only online people, but it does count.

sushine23's reply was a very good reply. And one I could relate to. Sometimes you get to the bottom of the bottom and you don't know where to go or which way to turn. But you've talked about it now and that is a start.

What is difficult for one may not be so bad for someone else, we all have our limits as to what we can deal with. And when a person has been to their lowest of low and survived it, they can extend a hand of understanding to the next person they meet who needs it. Because they have been there.

You are talking about a change of scenery, a change of where you live, a change of 'you'. Moving may not be such a bad idea. I don't know if it's a good idea or not. You will have to decide that.

But, something I noticed was how things have been going in your life. They haven't been the greatest for you. You have been surrounded with a past of not-so-good experiences that you don't like. You don't want this. You want something better.

For me, my surroundings have a tendency to control me. If my surroundings aren't to my liking, it is up to me, to make it better. To change it. I don't want negative people around me. Ever. I don't want to be used over and over again. I have to make sure that it doesn't happen.

Do you need a fresh start? You might. It may be the best thing that ever happened to you. But there is no guarantee that it will be perfect, because we all know that none of us are perfect. Relationships aren't perfect.  Places aren't perfect.

Seattle. It's great you would have friends there. If that is what you want to do, you should do it. But if you do, leave the 'bad' baggage behind. Forget all about it, because it's the past now.

Where you live now. Maybe you will decide not to move. You might decide to stay. You might meet someone new because you went somewhere new.

Regardless of what you do, it's going to have to be something 'new' to you to make a change in your life. You may have to get out and meet people in situations or places where people meet, places you haven't been to yet. Isaac, you never know what could happen from day to day.

And here I am, the worst person in the world to even be answering you, because I like to stay home and I can't offer much in ideas of where to meet new people. My husband says I'm the hermit of all hermits.

But I can say with some confidence that you need friends and you need to be where you are comfortable.

Don't know if I am helping you or hurting you, I just wanted to answer you.


If I was standing on a fish, I'd slip and fall......

I wish I had time to write in more detail, but I just wanted to share a couple of things... I have learned (the hard way) that the more energy and effort we spend trying to make things happen, the more likely things are to go wrong. A lot of things in life should happen naturally, without us manipulating it. Also, when we are unsure of ourselves in certain situations, we tend to play games and toy with people...which just creates more drama and turmoil in the long run. Sometimes (most times) the best friend we have is ourself. I am not preaching to you and I wish I had time to write more...but just wanted you to know that I read your blog and I am sorry your life is out of sorts right now. I remember several really tough times in my life (not long ago) where I thought I would never get it together. I always did, though...and I did not depend on anyone else to pull me back up. I have learned to depend on myself and learned that I am a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for. It is nice to have friends or family to lean on, but I ultimately look within for the strength I need to make it through difficult times. Sometimes it helps just knowing that other people go through dark times, too. So...just letting you know that I have been through them and things always work out...even when you cannot imagine that your life will ever straighten out...it will.Wink      

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