Horrible Things

Has anyone gone against what they believe in and done something so horrible, so unspeakable, and so unthinkable and just done it anyway? Well I have. It was over a year ago but it's coming back to haunt me. After I did it I felt so disgusted with myself I almost killed myself, but I had the love of someone to help me through it. Now it has come up again and I feel like it just happened and I have no one. I want to die.



I appreciate your response. I would like to hear the poem.

oh my goodness. trust me. i SOOO know how you feel. it's hard to even put into words. i've been there where i've done things that i couldn't even believe i'd done. even when i did it, i knew it wasn't right, i felt it wasn't right. but somehow i was weak enough to continue. and it made me sick to even think about. i've wished so badly that time travel was possible(lol) seriously.
it was like i was someone else. it was like i had become someone i didn't know anymore.
and honestly, we get to that point thru compromise. we compromise our characters a little here and a little there until.
bam. we didn't even realize it and were drowning....
i felt like i couldn't go on. "i had been the wayfaring son when i had always dreamed of being the loyal son" (well daughter Lol). you know what i mean?? i know how you feel. i promise. it did bring thoughts to my mind of not wanting to live anymore because i couldn't stand the idea of the kind of person i had behaved as.
i couldn't take it.
but i must say. it is so hard. but we must bring ourselves to a point to be able to continue stronger from this point.
you know what you are feeling. it's the perfect opportunity for "redemption". some people ask to be forgiven for things and then continue doing them. but when you can't stand the thought of it, and know you never want to behave that way again. when you are truly sick of it. that is true repentance. just ask.
because i don't know what you believe, but i really don't believe we should be crippled by our "sin".
i KNOW it is SO HARD to get past it when you hate it. but we have to realize that we can't end our lives because of something we've done.
it's almost like were letting that weak side of ourselves that we don't want to be, and letting that "sin" BEAT US!
we have to seriously overcome it.
i think we will always remember it.
but we can cleanse ourselves and change ourselves to become so much stronger.
to never be that way again.
to remake ourselves.
because "it's never too late to be what you might have been"
you can become a stronger better person.
but don't let that deed rule over you and cause you to not want your life anymore. because i've thought the same thing. but when i think of what i can become(and again, i don't know what you believe) but when i think of what i can become thru God, it really helps. i know he doesn't want us to not want our lives anymore. that's what the cross was for.
to take those deeds away.
if we let those SINS win, and beat us, and drive us to taking away our lives and happiness.
it's like God's saying "but what about the cross??? i did it for a reason" don't live like this, don't let it control you.
WOW. i know i probably wrote way too much. but i just want to make sure you know that i have felt the exact same way. i have a kinda "poem" i wrote one time when i felt this way. it can't even begin to explain how i felt. but i tried.
if you want to read it, let me know. it's about changing and making the decision to change.

i'm sorry i wrote so much. but i'm here to chat if you want.
and i'm not writin that to sound any way.
i just seriously have been there.
but there's hope. i seriously believe that.

that does happen to many of us from time to time. what you did is recognize the fact.

so, now you just need to forgive yourself for doing it. and for not doing it again. and the fact that you have NOT done it again, proves to yourself that you do know right from wrong and can differentiate such. i applaud you for that. many others just get caught up in a repeat cycle. you have not.

you moved on.

lay it to rest now.



But the problem is, is that at the time I did not feel it was right, but I did it anyways because of presure from others.

not so much any more...but once in a while a 'feline' will absolutely rub me the wrong way. when that happens, you do not want to be anywhere near. last just as an example when i ran into an former neighbor that always did me wrong. i took the opp to 'do me right' and give her the details on the marriage therapist her husband was screwing. man, did that ever feel good! but about an hour later, i needed a few calm me down drinks. felt horrible....for a moment. how did i get over it? i remind myself of all the good i do and how rarely i am bad.

so my dear, do the same for yourself. whatever you did, at that time you felt it was right. while you cannot change that - - what you can do is simply move forward and reflect on all of the wonderful positive things that you do in life and the goals *school* you are setting and future you are planning.



Im sure most of us have done something we arent proud of and are truly ashamed to think about and it does suck but just know that for some reason it happened and must serve a purpose in the long run. Its not always easy to see that when youre caught in the middle of it though. Find someone you trust to talk to- someone who wont judge and will lend an ear to support you. Hang in there! 


"If lightning strikes twice, I dont want to be standing next to you! "

 remember that everything passes. If you really are in danger of harming yourself, PLEASE call for help. If you don't have resources handy already, here's what i just looked up:

Toll-Free / 24 hours / 7 days a week
TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)


I think I think, therefore I think I am. (Ambrose Bierce)

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