She said there was nothing that I could have done, there was nothing nobody could say

My best friend of 30 years is gone.  I went to her funeral yesterday, mostly to see for myself that it was real.  She was 35 and had two beautiful boys aged 7 and 8.  She also had a manipulatve, controlling, abusive husband.  You may remember me mentioning her previously.  Her husband broke her cheekbone a year ago this weekend, in front of those two beautiful boys.

I could go into details of their relationship, but it's not worth it, it doesn't matter now.  It was bad.  She was looking for a way out.  She couldn't wait for me to move to NY, so she could find a way to legally bring the kids and follow me there, so she could be 6 hours away from him.  She had already hired a divorce lawyer.

Her husband called me Thursday with the news.  Apparently on Tuesday, she packed her kids off to school like usual, got back home, locked and chained all the doors, called her husband with an excuse why she couldn't pick up the kids that day, went down to the basement, and hung herself.  The coroner said she'd been dead for hours before he got home and found her.

I talked to her the Sunday before, almost 2 weeks ago now, and she seemed upbeat.  She was talking about taking the kids on a snow tubing trip with their cub scout troop, and about their upcoming pinewood derby.  She even said that her and her husband were doing a little better, that they were planning on going away the next weekend.  She called me again this past Thursday, but I had bronchitis, and once again lost my voice completely.  I answered the phone in a whisper, she gave me a quick update, and told me she'd call me early this week, either Monday or Tuesday.  She never called.

 

   

   

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Fortunately, it looks like that's going to be the case.  Not officially, but his mother will be taking care of them for the most part.  She lives a few hours away, and will be driving up Monday mornings, and staying until Friday evenings.  She's done this before, both when D was on bedrest during her 2nd pregnancy, and again when she was recovering from reconstructive knee surgery, so at least there's some consistency for the boys, and someone other than him influencing them.

NHatch wrote:

Unfortunately, we live in a society where suicide is seen as an absolute private matter and it's just not okay to talk about, therefor encouraging people with suicidal thoughts to close off and not talk about the thoughts they are having to anyone.

I'm so happy to hear that your friend went for help, CrittK. 

NHatch, you're so right, feeling depressed and talking about it in general is considered tabboo, let alone the darkest depths of that depression.  I know when I was at an extremely low point several years ago, even those closest to me balked at the mere mention at what I was feeling.  For those who've never been there themselves, it's incomprehensible, and the unknown is scary.  Or they chalk it up as a cry for attention, incapable of believing that another person could actually feel that badly.  For those who have been there, it's something to be ashamed of, to never discuss again.  Either way, for the person who is there now, it leaves them very few people to talk to. 

Oh Lady C!!  ~hugs~  I don't know what to say.  :(  I am so sorry for your loss, and those poor children.  I hope that bastard doesn't turn around and start doing to them what he did to her.  They may need to be in the custody of another family member.

That's the best thing, when someone realizes they need help and seek it out themselves. You may have had to go behind their back at some point to have them involuntarily committed, which may have just made them think you where out to destroy them. Or worse, they could just think because they where committed that they where insane and incurably so; therefor, they would just start acting the part and never work towards getting better.

 

I'm glad to see they are getting help, I wish that people would seek it out before they did anything unthinkable. Unfortunately, we live in a society where suicide is seen as an absolute private matter and it's just not okay to talk about, therefor encouraging people with suicidal thoughts to close off and not talk about the thoughts they are having to anyone.

 

I'm happy to report that they checked theselves in for help today!

 

My neighbors family left home without the faintest idea he would ever do what he did. I don't want to say to much to protect their identities, but he had made a request for a specific food for diner, I could only assume it was to get them out of the house to spare them from having to hear the gunshot. When they came home, they found him in the back room, I don't think he had considered that someone would have to find him after he did it. I can only imagine the horror they went through seeing what they did, no one should ever have to fear coming home.

It was a little close to home, seeing as just a few months before my brother had made suicidal statements and actions during a drunken rampage. He has since gotten help. My neighbor during this time, was very supportive and understanding of our situation, I would have never guessed that he himself where suicidal.

It sounds like this person will try it again. Be especially suspicious if they suddenly start acting happy, this is usually a sign that they have made the decision to attempt again. Although you have done a 72 hour sectioning, you may want to try and certify that the person in question is not fully mentally competent, is planing on attempting for a second time and should be held indefinitely until they accept the help they need.

 

My condolences to her family as well as to you :( It's so hard to lose someone so close, and especially since things seemed okay and everything.

We did the 72 hr committed thing (after the suicide attempt). They ended up staying for a full week, and were supposed to go out of town the following week. They cancelled that, and have not followed up with any regular therapy appointments. :(

oh LadyC i am so sorry...

those poor, poor kids... ...

I remember you mentioning your loss a few months ago.  Fire, if I'm remembering correctly?  Horrible.  You're right, though, I have two small comforts right now.  The first is that her kids didn't see her, and the second is that he'll never, ever bruise her beautiful face again.  I don't know much by Toby Keith, but I've been crying over "Bobby Jean" by Bruce Springsteen.

I know there's nothing I could have said or done.  If my words or actions could have changed anything, she'd have left his sorry a$$ years ago, and it wouldn't have come to this.  What I'm having a hard time accepting is that I'll never know just what drove her to this.  What happened?  What did he do this time?  What did he say to her?

Get them help.  Get them involuntarily committed if necessary.  If I had even remotely thought this was coming, I'd have moved in with her and never let her out of my sight until it passed.  Depression is a cyclical illness, it will pass, eventually, but it'll come back. 

LadyC,

I am so sorry for your loss. Depression and suicide is a HORRIBLE thing. I'm living it right now. Someone VERY close to me tried to kill themselves 3 weeks ago. Luckily someone found them and they were able to save them. However now the person refuses to get more help, and it's a horrible thing. I'm afraid to ever be away from this person in fear of what I'll come home to. You and her family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Oh Lady.  I have so many thoughts but I can't find the words.  I'm heartbroken for you and for her children.  I know you were a wonderful friend to her.  The sad truth is Bruce is right... there wasn't.  I'm so very sorry. 

 

 

 

I have felt your pain and feel qalified to sit at it's table with you. It is such a young age to lose someone especially someone who was such a large part of your history. Don't do the what if's, they will drive you out of your mind. Just take comfort in knowing that the demons that chased her and battles she fought are over for now she will feel no pain. It is how I get through the raw moments of missing my best friend. There is a beautiful song that reminds me of her and I finally listened to it yesterday without crying..."Crying for Me" by Toby Keith.  My thoughts are with you...Zoo.

I am so sorry for your loss LadyC. I know what kind of person you are and I am positive that you were a positive part of her life, and will continue to stay a positive part of the life of her children. My thoughts are with you.

I'm very sorry for your loss LadyC, and especially for the kids.

I know its hard to make sense of evil and why it has to happen, but I hope you and her family can help ensure the children have a good life away from the husband.

I know how you must be feeling, my friend and neighbor for the last seven years shot himself just last Sunday. Happened less than a hundred feet away and I could do nothing to stop it, I didn't even know he was depressed.

o lady. i am so sorry. i have been in a similar situation with a relative and seen the pain covered with a fake smile from that relative. i know what you must be going through and i am so sorry. i always think what if. time heals but its a hard and long process. i can only say that you must remember the good times and that there be comfort in knowing she is always with you.

I cant imagine what youre going through. Im always here if you need me.

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