You know those walls I built?

well you have them tumbling down!

Baby where did you hide your halo?

Okay. So here goes nothing. It seems like there is so much to talk about. So much to plan and get worked out in just a few months. I know July is going to be hectic. So far spring has been magical. I love the drives downtown with the windows down just watching the people and the cars. I'm so freaking in love that sometimes it scares me. Ya know to dedicate so much of myself to one person. I've never felt anything like this before. It's been 6 months as of the fifth of May since I moved here...over a year since I met him and I still get butterflies when I know he's coming home. He has a pretty close family. They are all pretty great from the ones I've met. It's hard to watch everything rebuild from the last year. I don't have a lot of fears..but I believe to fear is human.  As it seems the guys in my past taught me not to trust anyone. They cheated, the lied, the ignored me, and I honestly had begun to think they had ruined me.  But my boyfriend now takes it all in stride. He's patient and caring. He tries his best to understand and always says the right things when I need to hear them. I can't change my past but I can make my future reflect who I really am. Not like my past where I let them steal my dreams. I was always so focused on who I was with and making THEM happy that I never made myself truely happy. I see my mistakes now and am able to learn from them.

School...I'm going for a simple certificate. It's not anything that major. It really is a big deal to me though. I mean, it's college classes, so to me, that is, going to college.  It's only a few months. Nothing really challenging. The hard part will be not falling asleep in his arms. I know it's to better my life and it turn that will better his, all of which are good things. So I need a job.

Me... I'm good. I'm still losing weight, reguardless. I talk to my mom three or four times a week and I talk to Alicia daily. I'm closer to being who I want to be than I ever have been. I dream about the things I could have done differently, then I wake up and live my life a day at a time. Who I am is not who everyone wants me to be but who I want to be. I'm still moody at times, but unlike some stories I've heard, I can control my outbursts. Honestly I haven't had any of the old tantrums.  There is no call for it.  I think being bi-polar is an excuse for a lot of people to act out. I used it for a long time so don't think I'm calling people out or anything. It was always "I'm depressed, pay attention to me" or "I'm so freaking hyper I can't sit still ..someone calm me down". I mean I still have hyper days where I have too much energy but I focus it onto something. But I don't have the anger or suicide days. I am not saying I never have a bad moment, but I realize them and focus and don't let them drag me to that deep dark hell that I used to know. I love hearing people who have known me for a long time say how much I've changed. Going home to Iowa for that week was nice. I'm glad I did it.

So that's all for now. I have things I need to do, and getting drawn into this beast of a net isn't going to help the kitchen..heehee



you are on the highway to success! no stopping you now. good for you ibcute81.

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.  ~e.e. cummings


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