If You Look ....

I am very selective with whom I share or give my love. I don't love often, but when I do it's like no other love in the world. When I do love, I love passionately & fiercely, whole-heartedly & with every fiber of my being. I love with such a conviction that I would fight to the death with the last ounce of my strength , and give my last dieing breath to protect that whom I love. The select few who receive my love are fully aware of its intensity and know without question or doubt the magnitude of it. I give a piece of my soul to those whom I love ... a part of my heart is forever their's. Hence, when I lose a love it cuts deeper than the deepest wound ... it crushes a part of my heart and destroy a part of me. Particularly when I am robbed of a love and they are taken from me far before our time together should be over.

I am a huge animal person/lover ... always have been, and probably forever will be. Their love is a kind of unimaginable greatness that none other can give. It is truly unconditional and boundless. I have surrounded myself in this love and reveled in it for a number of years. Now I find myself wondering if the immaculate love is worth the depths of pain and sorrow. Can I really continue to set myself up for such heart-wrenching despair with the loss of each love? And yet how can I live with the emptiness that will consume me with out said love? My heart can not possibly survive any more devastatingly crushing blows, and yet my soul would wither & die without the benevolent love it has come to crave. My whole self would be lost and alone ... wandering aimlessly, without thought or care ... without the presence of such wondrous love.

Euterpe has not been well since the last time she got seriously sick about 4-6 months ago. Initially she got better and started eating again, but then about 6 weeks later she stopped. A problem at any time, but this was even worse considering she hadn't gained back all of the weight she lost the first time she was sick. We've gone through this cycle ever since, did some x-rays & tests, and finally came to the conclusion that she's probably suffering from IBD (irritable bowel disease). Lately, with this current bought of not eating, we've been questioning that diagnosis. Tim and I x-rayed her again this past weekend and something unusual showed up. We're not sure what it is, and one of the vets Tim works with isn't completely sure either. He thinks it my be one of three things ... 1) a blockage of the pylorus (the upper opening to the stomach); 2) gall stones; 3) cancer. ~tears up~ He thinks the blockage of the pylorus is probably the least of the three possibilities. As for the other two, we won't know until we can have an ultrasound done on her. If it turns out to be gall stones Euterpe will have to have major surgery to have her gall bladder removed. If the ultrasound technician even suggests having whatever image she finds biopsied then it's possible there is cancer and ... ~starts to sob~ ... I can't even think about that possibility right now.

I'm praying to whatever gods I still carry favor with & are listening that it's gall stones and not cancer. The surgery will be expensive, and I may have to cancel my wedding reception to pay for it, but I'd rather that then the alternative.

I've been in a stunned, silent daze since Tim told me all of this last night. I literally can not think, hold a though or concentrate on ANYTHING! I don't know how I'm going to focus or function at work. Speaking of which, I need to be heading out soon.

Please don't engage me too much on this. I've barely stopped crying since learning about this and talking will not do anything for me right now, but make me cry harder and longer. Positive vibes, thoughts, and prayer are appreciated. Hopefully we can have the ultrasound done in the next week or so and find out for sure what we're looking at.

I think it's the waiting and not knowing that killing me most of all.

Why do all these f***ed-up things keep happening to my little guys?!?

My heart hurts ... my soul weeps ... my spirit is shattered.

~sighs~  I'm sorry that it seems all I blog about on GuG are sad things.  I promise one of these times I'll write about something happy.

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Fingers crossed for your kitty


"Everybody's going nowhere slowly, they're only fighting for the chance to be last.  There's nothing wrong with going nowhere, baby, but we should be going nowhere fast"

blogging is great therapy. i especially like to read your blogs. not due to their sadness or animal related, but for the depth and your writing style.


 Oh Z, im so sorry. I always say I like animals better than people, and its true. They are wonderful lil balls of fur. I am so sad for you, i cant imagine going through it.  You get all my thoughts and wishes from now till then...  <3


"If lightning strikes twice, I dont want to be standing next to you! "

Blogging about sad things is probably your way of venting them out so they don't tear you up on the inside, i see no need for apologies!!

I sometimes feel like the pain we feel in love and it's mystery, is a constant reminder of how thankful we should be that we have experienced it at all. In life they say you go through the EXACT same scenarios until you have learned the lesson intended. (i'm talking life(s) like reincarnations and all of that jazz). I think it's amazing how well you know your own need and desire for love in your life, even though it's caused you pain before, and you've accepted it time and again, hooray for you brave one :)

Keep your head up, you're never given more than you can handle, and maybe (if you weren't already) do what you can to still show the other people and animals that love you in your life that you're thankful you have them here with you threw this uneasy time, and all the time.

I'll have you and Euterpe in my thoughts and prayers for sure. I do hope that everything works out for the best.

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