supervioletrays's blog

A lover, a dreamer, a poet, a believer... Who I am inside

So many of you know that I have been on GuG for over a year now. I feel like I have come to know many of you, and have grown close to a select few of you. However, I don't feel like anyone really knows who I am. I suppose it's hard to really have an idea of who someone is on the inside because we are really restricted to the topics on the forums...

Why I Left GuG

Okay, time to come out of the closet... I've been away from GuG for months now. I hope I don't offend anyone in the process of this blog, but I've had a few people ask about why I left. I told , but asked her to keep it private. Now, I feel no need to hide the reason, as odds are my time on GuG is over.

Back to the game we call life...

So, you might have noticed my inactivity from the site we know and love as GuG. You might not have. If I had to guess, few noticed or cared. No matter if you did or didn't, I'm back. Why was I gone? Well, it funny how when things fall apart, just how far they go. You know the saying, "When it rains, it pours?" Well... They weren't lying.

Nostradamus and the end of the world....

I wrote this blog on an old account on October 28th of last year. I hadn't thought about this until I saw the black hole/end of the world thing and there was a comment about the world ending in 2012.My writing style has thankfully improved, but I thought I would share since I saw the topic come up. Here is the original text:

 

Could you let it all go?

This is a copy of a blog a wrote a few weeks ago... I read a blog that posed the question if you got up and walked away from your life today, would you look back? These feelings have been building up and now I would like to publish these thoughts to my new friends at GuG and see what you think... Have you ever had an experience like this?

 

 

 

This past year has been a very...interesting one. I made new friends. I forced a lot of them away. Why I forced them away, I don't exactly know. It wasn't them saying good bye to me. It was my totally stopping talking to someone for no reason. I don't even know if I tried to create a reason at the time. It was simple excommunication. No contact at all. Of course, I hurt a lot of people by doing this. People that today still try to contact me, wanting to know what happened... They'll never know.

My feeling is, I have no real connection to who I am or what I hold close to me any longer. I felt nothing when I pushed those people away. There was no sadness, no feeling of loss, no remorse for what I did to them. At the same time I was dropping friends off the face of the earth, I also lost friends that I didn't want to lose. They made that choice themselves. Again, I felt nothing. This doesn't seem normal, does it?

I have wondered for a very long time, up to a year, as to what I was feeling. What I was doing. And why I was doing it... And I think I have reached a conclusion:

If I was to lose everything I had right now and had the chance to start a totally new life, I would. I wouldn't ever look back to my past, my parents, my sister, my best friends, my friends, and the people I see everyday. Would this be the case if it actually happened? I have no idea. But I feel like I pretend that people are closer then they are. I pretend to tolerate people I really can't stand. I say I love you when it doesn't mean a thing. I feel fake, but it goes unnoticed. But its really happening. Its what I feel. I feel nothing. No love. No friendship. No closeness. Nothing.

I led the first 13 years or so of my life alone. I didn't want anyone in my life. I pushed anyone away that seemed interested in a conversation or a friendship. I learned that I didn't need it to survive. That I enjoyed being left alone and unnoticed in this world. I accomplished things, I screwed up, I lived. No one noticed. So this is my best theory as to why I am willing to leave everything behind.

I just don't know where to go with this blog or what to say about my life and its friendships. Even though I have people that care, I frequently feel alone. I know I always have God, but I feel like thats it.

In closing, thanks to all my friends who are actually my friends and not people who surround themselves around me for any reason other then they enjoy my company. I'm glad your here, in this place and time, and life is made more interesting for it. To my best friends, your the best. I've just accepted the fact that time won't turn back and won't stand still in this time, so I can detach my self more and more everyday, so that in the end, the pain is all the less. Seize the day, but prepare for the future. And try not to live in the past. People and things will always come and go and I'm ready for when it happens.

Subscribe to RSS - supervioletrays's blog