lol animals /macros/ random/ general internet humor

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animestrinity
Re: *sings* Fat cat in a little suit...

Yep... if there's a box or bag, he WILL make an attempt to play in it... whether it has something in it or not...

But Boo is adorable... so it's what he does.

 

And... that's definitely not a diet kitty food box lol...

_______________________________________________________

slake2000
Spoiled Under 30 Crowd

The Spoiled Under 30 Crowd

If you are 30 or older, you will think this is hilarious... . If not, send it to your parents. They'll think it's funny.

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .... Uphill BOTH ways .. Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in heck I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it.

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy. I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a dang Utopia. And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it.

1. When I was a kid, we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the dang library and look it up  ourselves.. In the card catalog.. (Do you even know what a card catalog is? Didn't think so.)

2. There was no email.. We had to actually write somebody a letter...With a pen. Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there.

3. There were no MP3's or Napsters. If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the dang record store and shoplift it yourself. Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ  would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up.

4. We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting. If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it.

5. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either. When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know... You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister.

6. We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics. If we were lucky, we had Video Pong and later on the Atari 2600. With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids' and the graphics were horrible. Your guy was a little square. You actually had to use your imagination. And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever. And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died. Just like LIFE.

7. When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating. All the seats were the same height. If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed.

8. Some of us had no cable...only 3 stations (maybe) that you had to go outside and turn the antennae to be able pick up. Later on, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu. You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on.

And there was no Cartoon Network either. You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying.?. We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons.

9. And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a fire .. Imagine that. If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing or a pan with HOT oil and Real popcorn kernels and shake it all over the stove forever like an idiot.

10. When we were on the phone with our friends and our parents walked-in, we were stuck to the wall with a cord, a 7 foot cord that ran to the phone - not the phone base, the actual phone. We barely had enough length to sit on the floor and still be able to twirl the phone cord in our fingers. If you suddenly had to go to the bathroom - guess what we had to do..... Hang up and talk to them later.

That's exactly what I'm talking about. You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1960 or 1970 or 1980.

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

slake2000
Re: lol animals /macros/ random/ general internet humor

When Grandma Goes To Court

 
 

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. 
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife , and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

slake2000
A Senior Momment

A very self-important college freshman took it upon himself to explain 
to a senior citizen standing next to him while waiting for a bus, that 
it was impossible for the older generation to understand his 
generation. 

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," 
the student said, loud enough for the other passengers nearby to hear. 

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space 
travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We 
have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with 
light-speed processing and .." 

As he paused for breath ... the Senior took advantage of the break in 
the student's litany and said: "You're right, son. We didn't have 
those things when we were young . so we invented them. Now, you 
arrogant little sh!t, what are you doing for the next generation?" 

The applause was resounding...

slake2000
Roping a Deer (Oops!)
 Roping A Deer
 (Names have been removed to protect the stupid!)
 
 Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms....
 
 I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, fatten
 
 it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
 
 The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since
 
 they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of
 me when I am there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at
 the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it
 should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its
 head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
 
 I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
 
 The ca ttle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They
 were not having any of it.
 
 After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out....a
 likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw..
 ..my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
 
 I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a
 good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell
 it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
 
 I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on
 the rope and then received an education.
 
 The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there
 looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when
 you start pulling on that rope.
 
 That deer EXPLODED.
 
 The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
 stronger than a cow or a colt. A c ow or a colt in that weight range I
 could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
 
 A deer-- no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled.
 There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it.
 
 As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it
 occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea
 
 as I had originally imagined.
 
 The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other
 animals.
 
 A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me
 off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes
 
 to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of
 the big gash in my head.
 
 By this time, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to
 get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
 
 At the time, there was no love at all between me and that d eer. At that
 moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling
 was mutual. But, I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging
 around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
 
 Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
 cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various
 large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think
 clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared
 some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. And,
 because I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, I managed
 to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap
 
 I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
 
 I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope
 back.
 
 Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would
 have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when
 
 I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my
 wrist.
 
 Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they
 
 just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head
 --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
 
 The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and
 draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
 ineffective.
 
 It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it
 was likely only several seconds.
 
 I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by
 now) tricked it.
 
 While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up
 
 with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my
 final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
 
 Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their
 
 back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves
 
 are surprisingly sharp.
 
 I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse -- strikes
 at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to
 do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the
 animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
 
 
 This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would
 not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different
 strategy....I scream ed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
 
 The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse
 that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in
 the back of the head.
 
 Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as
 
 strong and 3 times as evil, bec ause the second I turned to run, it hit me
 
 right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
 
 Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately
 leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What
 they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you
 are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
 
 I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
 
 So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
 scope to sort of even the odds.
slake2000
Waxing

WARNING:  If you are female, BEFORE READING this put down anything that could spill, make a trip to the bathroom so you don't leave a puddle and grab some tissues to dry up the tears.  This is funny. (I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A HOOT!) 

 

Waxing

Hair Removal.... 

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal -

The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. 

Read on...... 

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. 

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 

'Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' 

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. 

No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and! you pull the hair right off. 
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? 

I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) 

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. 

Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. 

Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! 

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! 

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. 

With my next wax strip I move north. 

After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. 

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. 

Using the same procedure, I apply ! the w ax strip across the rig ht side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) 

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!! 

I'm blind!!! 

Blinded from pain!!!!.... 

OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! 

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! 

Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. 

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. 

Do I hear crashing drums??? 

Breathe, breathe............ 

OK, back to normal. 

I want to see my trophy - 

a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. 

I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. 

I hold up the strip! 

There's no hair on it. 

Where is the hair??? 

WHERE IS THE WAX??? 

Slowly! I ea s e my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. 

I see the hair. 
The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! 

I touch. 

I am touching wax. 

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. 

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? 

I know I need to do something. 

So I put my foot down. 

Sealed shut! 

My butt is sealed shut. 

Sealed shut! 

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 

'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' 

What can I do to melt the wax? 

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! 

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? 

*WRONG!!!!!!!* 

I get in the tub - ! 
The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. 

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. 

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. 

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! 
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! 

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. 

It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!' 

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. 

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or ! hole or hoo-ha?' 

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. 

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. 

YEAH!!!!! Right!! 

I should be the joke of someone else's night. 

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. 

Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! 

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. 

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. 

What do I really have to lose at this point? 

I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!! 

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It 's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 

'IT WORKS!! 

It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. 

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... 

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE........ALL OF IT! 

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point. 

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

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