A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar...

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Hey_You
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar...

Bartender says, "What is this, some kinda joke?"

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A mushroom walks into a bar - the bartender scowls at him, and growls, "we don't serve your kind here!"

Mushroom frowns, and says, "hey, but I'm a fungi!"

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A neutron walks into a bar. Asks the barman, "How much for a beer?" Barman replies, "For you? No charge!"

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A real ugly guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head.

The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that?"

The frog says, "It started out as a wart on my butt."

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A blonde and a brunette walk into a bar.
The redhead ducks.

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Jesus walks into a hotel, slaps 3 nails on the counter and asks, "can ya put me up for the night?"

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A guy goes into a bar and orders five shots of whiskey. Bartender serves them, and the guy downs them in rapid succession. The bartender asks him, "What's the special occasion?"

The guy says, "My first blow***."

"Congratulations!" says the bartender. "Let me buy you a sixth!"

The guy says, "Naw -- if five can't take the taste out of my mouth, I doubt if a sixth will!"

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A burly prospector walks into a saloon, flips a gold nugget onto the bar, and says "I want some bottles of beer and the roughest, toughest prostitute you've got in this joint." An experienced looking woman at the end of the bar stands up and says "Follow me, handsome." The prospector grabs the beers and follows the woman upstairs to a room, where he finds her bent over the edge of a bed, looking back at him with a smile. The prospector says "How'd you know I liked to do it doggy style?," to which the woman replied "I didn't, I just figured you'd want to get those beers opened."

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Okay, your turn.  :D

   

   

MissEvergreen
Re: A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar...

Raffy wrote:
A neutron walks into a bar. Asks the barman, "How much for a beer?" Barman replies, "For you? No charge!"

That was cute.

here's a few:

How do you catch a squirrel?  Climb in a tree and act like a nut.

What do you call four matadors in quicksand?  Quatro sinko.

What do you call an earthquake fault?  A topographical error.

 

I think I think, therefore I think I am. (Ambrose Bierce)

MyOwnGirl
Re: A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar...

Raffy wrote:

A blonde and a brunette walk into a bar.
The redhead ducks.

 I'm a redhead. I like that. ;)

snazzy
Re: A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar...

you totally made my monday raffy! thanks!

Hey_You
Re: A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar...

MissEvergreen: I like the matador one.  :)

MyOwnGirl: I was hoping we had a redhead around here to appeciate it.  Glad to see we do.  Maybe I'll be back later with a few more.  ;)

snazzy: Glad I could help.  What better way to start your work week than with some easy laughs? :D

Hey_You
Re: A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar...

Q: What is an exchange of opinions at a Communist Party meeting? 

A: I come to the meeting with my opinions and leave with their's. 

============ 

Q: What do the U.S. and Cuba have in common? 

A: In the U.S. and Cuba, you can't buy anything with pesos. 

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Q: What does a Soviet optimist say? 

A: It can't get any worse! 

============ 

A Soviet has saved up his money to buy a car. He goes down to the dealership and says to the salesman "I want that one!" 

"The car will arrive in seven years." the salesman replies. 

"Will it come in the morning or the afternoon?" the man asks. 

"What difference does it make?" queries the salesman. 

The man says back, "the plumber is coming in the morning." 

============ 

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve. 

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!" 

"Nonsense!" replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!" 

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian." 

============ 

Q: What's better, Capitalist Hell or Communist Hell? 

A: Communist Hell. In Capitalist Hell they soak you in oil and burn you alive, cut your fingers off with knives, and suffocate you with pillows. In Communist Hell they don't have oil, knives, or pillows. 

============ 

A man is walks down the street one night and passes a Soviet guard. 

The guard asks his, "Hey! Where are you going?!" 

"Home" replies the man. 

The guard says, "You realize there is a curfew here." 

The man looks scared and starts to run away so the guard levels his rifle and shoots him dead. 

Another man witnesses this and says to the guard, "Curfew doesn't begin for another 15 minutes. Why did you shoot him?" 

The guard replies, "That man was a friend of mine and I know where he lives. He never would have made it." 

============ 

Q: What do you call a communist in a hurry? 

A: Rushin' 

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Three workers find themselves locked up, and they ask each other what they’re in for. 

The first man says: “I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage.” The second man says: “I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage.” 

The third man says: “I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch.” 

============ 

Q: What does the communist cat say? 

A: Mao. 

============ 

In America, you can always find a party... 

but in Soviet Russia.. 

PARTY FINDS YOU!!

EDIT: I tried to make "party finds you" in large letters, but the formatting wouln'd take.  Communism at its finest?

Hey_You
Re: A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar...

Can you catch the swine flu and bird flu at the same time?

When pigs fly!

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What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A redhead!

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How do you get a redhead's mood to change?

Wait 10 seconds.

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Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy.

One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

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How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?

There's a hammer embedded in the monitor!

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What's the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed

A blonde let's you leave the bed when you are satisfied

A redhead let's you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.

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Q. How do you get a redhead to argue with you?

A. Say something.

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Two sailors on shore leave were walking down the street when they spotted a beautiful blonde.
The first sailor asks his friend, "Have you ever slept with a blonde?"
Second sailor replies that he has.
They walk on further and see an even more beautiful brunette.
S1: "Have you ever slept with a brunette?"
S2: "Why, yes. In fact, I've slept with brunettes on many occasions."
They walk on a little further and see a gorgeous redhead, who leaves the other two girls for dead.
S1: "Have you ever slept with a redhead then?"
His companion looks at him slyly and replies, "Not a wink!"

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An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman
noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old

redhead. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make
love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love.
At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."

The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying!
You should be the happiest man in the world!"

So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

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What is the difference between a redhead and a computer?

A redhead won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.

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Brunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love you...want to marry?"
Blonde after sex: "Next!"
Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid.

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Redhead - A Chemical Analysis

Element: Redhead
Symbol: RH
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer: It's debatable, some say Adam, but we now know, that only God could discover something so perfect!
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties

1. Surface usually covered with minimal painted film. As a rule, not necessary.
2. Boils at everything, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5. Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties

1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4. Reactive in liquids, even more, increased activity when saturated in alcohol.
5. Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6. Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can greatly improve hormonal levels.
3. Can warm and comfort under certain circumstances.
4. Incapable of cooling things down, when it's too hot.

Tests

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2. Illegal to possess more than one.

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Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Redheads make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

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Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
Redheads know they could do it better.

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A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were
watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead
replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde
gave the redhead the $50.

The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend".

The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet".

So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock
news, so I can't take your money".

"Well, so did I", said the blonde, "but I never thought he'd jump again!"

MyOwnGirl
Re: A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar...

Those are great!!! Thanks!!

Anonymous Visitor
Re: A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar...

the joke about jesus is not at all funny you have no hart and you may burn in hell forver.

Anonymous Visitor
Re: A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar...

Anonymous Visitor wrote:
you have no hart and you may burn in hell forver.

Oh. .Did God and Jesus appoint you to judge everybody for them?

Anonymous Visitor
Re: A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar...
the joke about hart is not funny and may jesus burn in hell forever

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