Step Parenting: Are you a Step-Monster or New BFF

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Zoo Keeper
Re: Step Parenting: Are you a Step-Monster or New BFF

purple onyx wrote:
lyndeeluwho wrote:

My mom actually tried to encourage a relationship between us but I wouldn't have it. She is the epitemy of evil

It's nice to see that there are some BMs that actually encourage you to get to know the stepmom. The BM of my stepson always has those "She is not the mother of my child" deal, or "You better not be replacing me with her". It's really ridiculous. I always remind my stepson that he always has one mother, but I treat him like my own because I will treat his future siblings the same way.
 

 

I never felt like Mini's stepmom was replacing me. I have never doubted her love for Mini and am comforted knowing that my ex married a woman who would love my child as her own...I just think she crossed some boundaries that should never be crossed. Sometimes I feel for her because she did put a lot of effort into trying to create a relationship with Mini and it was successful until Mini got older and started to resent her for some of the things I mentioned in a previous post. In many ways I think she is a safer target than Biodad for Mini to not like. Mini also sees a difference in the way her stepmom treats her and her half sister. I think that is where their relationship started to detoriate....

GoldenGirl
Re: Step Parenting: Are you a Step-Monster or New BFF

Hmm, that's interesting that you say that. The BM  of my stepson recently told me that I was "crossing boundaries" with her relationship with her son. She was saying that I was trying to be his Mom (which I'm not) or something. I had told her that I love her son like my own because he is hubby's son, but I  know that I am not his mother, and he is not my son. Is it wrong for me to want him to be loved in our house, and also among my family, even though he's not related to us by blood?

If we know that we are not each other's parent/child, what boundary am I crossing other than loving him as my own? I recently had a daughter, and I love my duaghter just as I love him.

Zoo Keeper
Re: Step Parenting: Are you a Step-Monster or New BFF

The crossing of boundaries I was referring to sounds different that what you are talking about. My daughter's stepmother hacked into her email and myspace and read some very personal stuff which she then forwarded to SM's best friend. She also allowed her best friend to say some very derogatory things about me in her comments section on myspace which Mini could read. This started a myspace comment war that lasted way too long and was very immature on both our parts. I can't speak to her feeling of SM trying to be his Mom because I have never felt that way. I know that I can never be replaced as her mother and am rock solid in my relationship with my daughter so there has never been this fear of her SM replacing me. She is just another person to love my daughter even if she is an idiot at times and unable to see what is really going on.

I respectfully disagree regarding loving them the same. I personally think that we love each of our children differently and for different reasons. Notice I don't say more or less...just differently. I am the mother of three children and I love each of them differently.

GoldenGirl
Re: Step Parenting: Are you a Step-Monster or New BFF

That's a shame about the stepmom. She makes us look bad. I  would never violate my stepson privacy or hack any of his things.

Zoo Keeper wrote:
I respectfully disagree regarding loving them the same. I personally think that we love each of our children differently and for different reasons. Notice I don't say more or less...just differently. I am the mother of three children and I love each of them differently.

What I meant was that is that one is not favored more than the other and they are loved as much as the other siblings. My stepson and his sister are different children, and they are unique, but they receive the same amount of love as each other. I hope that makes sense.

AyBayBay
Re: Step Parenting: Are you a Step-Monster or New BFF

I was drawn to this thread even though it is aged because I am writing a thesis on step parenting. Being the parent of 4 kids ( 2 from my previous relationship) this is an ongoing process for all of us and it fascinated me enough to write a really long paper about it, stupid me. The most interesting part I found in reading people's posts (both here and at the many other sites I have been following on this issue) is "preception." Everyone's perception of the other person (step parent, bioparent, etc) is negative. I am wondering about this and just beginning to formulate questions about it for the research part of my thesis before finding subjects (anybody interested?) who are willing to answer my survey. I guess the person who gives us insecurities and threatens us (what is more threatening than being "replaced" in your child's eyes) will always be the bad guy. But I wonder how often people step back and find their role in the situation or validity in the other's person's argument because I am sure there are two sides to every story and most definately two ways of perceiving it. As human beings, we are always going to pick the side that benefits us the most, I suppose.

Zoo Keeper
Re: Step Parenting: Are you a Step-Monster or New BFF

Ugh...thesis! I so remember doing mine. My advisor told me to pick a topic I liked a lot because by the time I was done I would really hate it. So many families are blended in so many ways now that your topic is very relevant. Perhaps you should consider posting your Purpose in a new thread on here and see if anyone is interested. You might find some great particpants. I found mine in some unlikely places and it seems to me that the people on GuG like to give input!

lynn_Nellie
Re: Step Parenting: Are you a Step-Monster or New BFF

I would be happy to help you with the survay if it will help you. Been a step mom for 10 years.

snazzy
Re: Step Parenting: Are you a Step-Monster or New BFF

i have been a step child and i have been a step-mom. i can relate to this thread on so many levels and have so much to add here but i cant begin to put in into words right now. ill have to come back.

Hot2na
Re: Step Parenting: Are you a Step-Monster or New BFF

snazzy wrote:
i can relate to this thread on so many levels and have so much to add here but i cant begin to put in into words right now. ill have to come back.

we look forward to it. anything you've been through and can share may assist other members.

 

<º))))><.·´¯`·.¸

LBL
Re: Step Parenting: Are you a Step-Monster or New BFF

 Well, as soon as Hubby-to-be and me get hitched, I'm going to be a 24 year old with a 13 year old stepdaughter.  She lives in Wisconsin, and I'm in Texas.  Hubby-to-be doesn't have a great relationship with the mother, and I've never talked to the mother in my life.  I'm not too close to my stepdaughter, but we have an email relationship, where I send her alot of pics of me and her dad, and the rest of the family.  On the plus side, her mom does let her send pictures of her...  We don't talk too much on the phone as I'm not much of a phone person, and her mom seems to make her hang up the phone after like 10 minutes.  She was here for like 2 weeks in August of this year, and we got along great. but I'm only 24, and I don't know how to "parent" a 13 year old.  Hubby-to-be doesn't much either, since his daughter never officially lived with him growing up.  I'm welcoming the experience and have read alot of useful info on here from others.

 

 

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