Step Parenting: Are you a Step-Monster or New BFF

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snazzy
Re: Step Parenting: Are you a Step-Monster or New BFF

im not a huge fan but did anyone catch the dr phil show today about step mom vs bio mom? i missed it. anyone know where i can get the full show online besides a tape. i think alot of woman can relate to this topic.

Zoo Keeper
Re: Step Parenting: Are you a Step-Monster or New BFF

I TiVo'd it and watched it this morning. It was quite good. I have read the book before and it helped me find a lot of peace earlier this year.
I really appreciated what the Jennifer (first biomom) said. She put her fears out there in all their rawness which is so difficult for most people to do. Since Mini's Dad and I just had a parting of ways there were no complex feelings for me to get over. I knew I was not in love with him anymore and I knew he wasn't in love with me anymore either even though he tried to hold on to the relationship. I kept our daughter and he moved out of state. I can remember us talking on the phone and me crying over how hard it was being a single parent. He was supportive. He said "It's harder than you thought, huh?" And it was but I knew us not being together was the best thing no matter what he said or how many times he asked us to move to be with him. I think in that way it was easier because I didn't have the "replacement" feeling in regards to him.
Later, I sent Mini to live with him because it was so hard by myself. I even signed a paper giving him custody. He had his mom and stepfather to support him and I had no one. It was very overwhelming not to mention Mini was head strong little girl!I would call and talk to her but it hurt so much and at 3 it wasn't like she could have real conversations. A few months into the custody swap he stopped returning my phone calls and answering the phone for weeks. I absolutely freaked! This was not part of the deal! Finally after 6 weeks I got ahold of his stepdad who told me that he and BioGM were getting a divorce, she was crazy, biodad had a 17 year old girlfriend who was playing mommy to my daughter, grandma did all the care for Mini so BioDad could do whatever he wanted, and on and on the stories went. I was devastated...and lost! So I did what I had always done...ran to my grandfather. He got me an attorney and we filed for custody. I showed her the custody paper I had signed and she said it didn't matter. It wasn't legally binding especially in light of the fact that he wouldn't communicate with me. Finally,he called and he said the divorce was bad and they had to hide, etc. I said I wanted Mini for Christmas and he said No I could come there. I was like No you said she could come here. We ended up fighting. He gave me his address and I said I would try to come. Meanwhile my attorney filed for custody and it was legally granted to me with a court order to go get her which I did. I was so confused...I just wanted my baby back and he wouldn't communicate with me. I didn't know who was telling the truth...him or his stepfather. When we got to his state to get her I learned the address he had given me was fake. The sheriff got the correct address and we picked up Mini then flew home a few days later. There was a hearing in his state but they didn't have jurisdiction so it was referred back to our courts where I was granted custody. I often wonder how things would have turned out if he had stayed in contact with me instead of hiding. I don't know what my reaction would have been.
But life goes on and the battle began many years later.
I don't think I had the replacement feeling with her stepmom either due mostly to geographical distance in the beginning and later just the confidence I had in my relationship with Mini carried me through. I could understand Carol's point of view about demonizing Jennifer because she only had David's perspective. But the fact is as humans we spin things based on what benefits us and our perception of things is our reality. It doesn't make the other person wrong and I think that is where a lot of blended families struggle....the adults get involved in "being right" or being "better." I'm sure that some of things I have done have compounded Mini's stepmother's view of me as a person with an "illness" and I really don't care because it's just an opinion of a person who has only met me two or three times and has only the input from a person I hurt many years ago. The most important person in this situation's input...Mini's...is the only one I care about. She doesn't recognize that while her husband is a great father to their children he is a crappy one to ours by his choice. He hasn't spoken to her in 5 months or seen her in over a year...by his choice though I'm sure if he were on here he would say that too is somehow my fault.
As for the second set of mommieson the show. I didn't care for the biomom at all! What it sounded like is she is transferring her guilt of not being able to be there for her son as much as she would like onto the stepmom. It has become the stepmom's fault that the biomom works so much. I, too, own a business, a large one with over 75 employees and my time with my family is limited as is Mr.Pants due to his law enforcement assignments so our nanny often has to take the kids to events and get them from here to there but you know what? It doesn't bother them...they don't feel like they are missing anything from us because when we are with them...we are really with them. We make it a point to sit down at the family dinner table at least 4 times a week even if it is 8:00 at night by the time we get there. We have family game night every Thursday and single them each out for individual time. But I'll admit that I feel guilt at times that I'm missing something but I don't transfer that guilt to the nanny. It's my issue...I need to deal. I think that may be part of many biomoms issues with stepmoms...a lot of biomoms have to go at it alone while the stepmom has the ex-husband and perhaps the life biomom once had so the stepmom may be able to particpate more than biomom...I don't know I'm just guessing since my issue has little to do with stepmom and most to do with biodad.
Wowww....I have to go actually get some work done  now...lol!

Anonymous Visitor
Re: Step Parenting: Are you a Step-Monster or New BFF

I have many issues with my stepchild's BM. Ugh. I wanted to see this too. I won't be able to until this weekend. I wanted everything to be amicable with us more than anything. If just for the sake of my stepchild. I still could care less about what happened between her and my husband. It took alot for him to seperate from her because of the child but I knew he wasn't going back and I was determined to be a good mother figure & treat the child as if it were mine. (I don't feel there was any option. I knew it was a package deal that I greeted with open arms.) My husband was nothing but faithful to BM & an outstanding father. He still is. I marvel at his patience & love to this day. And over the last few years the mistakes made by BM all those years ago, who blamed them on her naiveness & immaturity, have continued. The lies & actions that have been exposed to my stepchild, my husband, relatives, me, & numerous BM aquantences by BM are detrimental to my stepchild's emotional health & the damage most likely irreversable at this point. BM claims to be happy and unbitter yet continues to single-handedly undermine any connection my stepchild has with our family. I believe BM is a pure genius. That and emotionally unstable. I still don't understand what benefit she gets from the things she does. I don't understand why she can't see the hurt my stepchild feels because of all the poop she's done. I don't know if she does things to try to hurt me or my husband or both. But the truth is we don't care what she thinks, says, or does to us. She is so low on our scum ruler that her opinions are unimportant. We just want to be there for the child. The things she has said & done I could not have thought up on my smartest day with my heart at its coldest. I continue to pray for her and continue the hope that she will one day realize all the unnessisary hurt she has caused. Maybe then we can all find happiness and peace. I pray for all the seperate families out there. Familes come in many shapes sizes & colors. I wish we could just focus on embracing the valuable time we have as a family and put all the past behind us. No games with no fighting. The children are always the ones hurt in the end.

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