The Douchebag Invasion – Beware of These People around You

On personal level, I think a “douchebag” is a great accessory. It’s a slightly modern invention, meant to restore order, peace and tranquility at acceptable levels of hygiene. All thanks to the immediate effectiveness of this thing, the world isn’t cussing poor snobs, who have a hard time controlling their bowel movements at the right moment.

It’s the douchebag which immediately gobbles up gastronomical juices to relieve someone of potential embarrassment in public, at family gatherings and especially at AARP meetings. However, come what may, there’s always going to be a dominant figment of reality about douchebags – they aren’t anyone’s first choice, and no one loves, or would want to like them. Even I don’t, if you ask me.

Thus, this is where we come to the analogical representation of douchebags; the real life people you don’t want to be around, and you never want to encounter during the days of your miserable existence.

At times, I feel like killing these vexatious fellows with a Mortal Kombat Fatality because that’s exactly what a D-Bag deserves.  

Don't Be a DouchebagGrown Up Geeks’ Top Douchebag/ Douchebaguettes Awards:

If the ‘Grown Up Geek’ guys were to hold an awarding ceremony in honor of top douchebags of today’s rapidly advancing tech world, I’m pretty sure it’d have gone down like this:

a.       The Cocky CEOs, Who Just Got Little More Cocky:

If you are one of these guys; you are in the habit of barking orders - Probably in the same manner that’s shown in a slow motion movie sequence. Yep, spit flying out, nerves puffed up at temples and a slick back hairstyle would be the right visual definition of your visage.

A small measure of people working in your office, would love to throw you down the window and celebrate your demise over a cake cutting ceremony. However, these people are afraid of you. Such CEOs successfully outweigh their good attributes, if there were any, by a sheer sense of rudeness.

How Not to Be This Person?

Top positions are always the tough ones. It’s like being a father or a mentor who is loved by people at an organization, but yet he/she is also feared. Here’s a nice tip: keep Don Vito Corleone’s image in your head and you’re good to go. People feared him, but also loved him for his impeccable ethics.  

b.      The Oh-I-Didn’t-See-You-Back-There Guy:

In my honest opinion, the ‘Oh-I-Didn’t-See-Back-There’ guys don’t deserve the rearview camera or any rear view technology in their cars. You see them everywhere. In fact, you encounter them at parking lots, within your local vicinity, in your neighborhood or any place where there’s a possibility of parking a car.

What’s the point of having a rearview camera, or a mirror, when you’re about to crash into the ride parked behind yours? A slight variation of these douchebags are the people who hurriedly cut right into someone’s parking space in such a manner that their junky 4 wheel motor has occupied 2 spaces at once.

How Not to Be This Person?

Make good use of your side view and rearview mirrors. Don’t be a moron by respecting other people’s right to take the space they rightfully deserve. If someone has, or is about to, make it to the parking spot moments before; don’t “rush” in to takeover.


c.       Tech Snobs Who Don’t Deserve Anything:

Do you like using technology, latest cellphones or anything that’s hot in the market? Of course, everyone does. But tech snobs are usually from a special family of douches who like to look down on technology and disdain all kinds of latest inventions altogether. They’re the guys, who’d love to have a smartphone or anything else for that matter, but they’ll never cease to complain about keypads, occasional connection errors, ring tone bitrate, and how the phone doesn’t fit their stubby grip.

Tech snobs also disdain money. They hate words, such as: Optimization, Cool Gadget, Revenue, Excellent Service and vice versa.

How Not to Be This Person?

It’s simple. Stop pretending to be too smart for something that you use on day-to-day basis. Notch down your beeeiotchy complaints and make the world a better place for bystanders to live in.


d.      Wanna Be Investors and Capitalists:

Hello Mr./Ms. Fancy Pants! People also know you as Mr. ‘Pretentious Money Bags’ because to you, there’s nothing like waking  up to the smell of imaginary dollar bills in your bank account. Never ignore the fact that you do all this while looking down upon others like they are ‘C’ class citizens.

Moving on, want to Be investors don’t have time to talk to anyone. At public meetings, and official gatherings, they like to check in on their smartphones every 5 minutes. Only God knows that such individuals are sitting idle but they are pretending to look busy by rapidly pressing the crap out of ‘ASDFGH’ keys on a blank text message screen.

These douchebags have a stiff collar. They don’t like asking questions and only hobnob with CEOs, hardcore big shots and all the guys who have actually made a lot of money for themselves. Eye contact isn’t in their dictionary. Same goes for hearing to other people ideas and practically trying to do something the hard way, in order to achieve dreams.


How Not to Be This Person?

Stop treating others differently. As far as becoming rich, making investments or inspiring someone with a great idea is concerned, get off your lard ass and do something. Treating someone based on the amount of money you think you have or you think you’ll have in the next 10 years or so is just another douchebaguetty characteristic.


e.      Angry Customers Who Devaluate Hard Working Employees:

Angry customers are everywhere. Hell, if you ask me, I have been a silent victim of this special douchebag disease once or twice. What happens is a company that’s famous for creating great products, or serving clients with amazing services, suddenly, by a mere accident or lack of finances, releases something that isn’t “perfect” in our dictionary.

You call them up at the Customer Service Hotline and start ranting about all the possible should haves, could haves, ought to haves and what not. Well buddy, probably the company knows about the ongoing issues and they are working their toes off to stabilize things at their end.

Another category of these douches are people who’ve had experience using a particular service or something that makes them think that they have finally become experts in that specific field. For instance take the example of the guy who is stuck up so high in his gassy head because he thinks he knows the difference between terms, such as:

·         AJAX

·         Windex

·         Lindows

·         Code Monkey

·         Techie

On practical grounds, these people have the slightest idea about the actual development process and the degree of hard work associated with these technologies.

How Not to Be This Person?

Be a little appreciative of what’s going on around you. If your cellphone or internet connection broke down for 1 or 2 days, don’t ignore the fact that you received a great service during the entire month. Also, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to actually talk to techies and customer service representatives for a few weeks. Eventually, you will learn that some people at the other end of the line are actually more experienced than you. They’re down to earth and are always engaged in trying to make things better for the subscribers.

f.        Online Trolls:

Oh god, I don’t even know where to begin with this subject. Online hatter trolls belong to a specific age group. Most of them are arund 15 - 16 years old. Of course, there’s the exception of fat singles that don’t have anything better to do than hating others in the online community for taking initiative and showing some effort.

You love leaving comments, hateful thoughts and anything that would devaluate or discourage someone from doing something. A more dangerous type of hater trolls is all those people who don’t have the guts to criticize someone on a constructive level. If someone, unknowingly, did something wrong, you pretend to praise them under the impression that it would further derail them off track.

How Not to Be This Person?

Take YouTube as an example of a massive media hub where millions of people upload their creations. Some of them are actually good; it’s the kind of stuff which wouldn’t have any special reason to deserve “Dislikes”. However, people still hit the dislike button for funs’ sake or anything that would inch back and someone forcefully.

It’s time for a little change Mr.Bombastic. Why don’t you step up on the ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ show as a poor middle aged Irish Woman to sing: “I Dreamed a Dream” in an angel’s voice? Sounds a little difficult, doesn’t it?

Foot Notes:

While you are chasing your dreams to become something or someone in the online world, or in the real life world, try not to be a douchebag. Never forget where someone came from and if it takes a permanent tattoo to remind you of your roots, do it. Love others, stop hating and be a down to earth person for a change.




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