When a relationship is going sour?

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lilritty923
When a relationship is going sour?

So, this is going to be long...i have a horrible habit of always saying more than necessary when i'm in need of advice, lol...just FYI

So I've been dating this guy for a year and a half now...He's great, most of the time, but in the last couple of months things have been really just not so great...my friends/family for the most part only offer the advice "leave him your better than that" and while i can see that they have my benefit in mind, it's not practical advice, if i wanted to leave him i would, i don't want that, i want to make things better...but our communication has gone out the flipping window, and i dunno how to get it back.

He and I both definitely have commitment issues. His mom passed away when he was 4 he's living 20+ hours away from where he grew up helping his brother out with raising his nephew. We've never exactly labeled ourselves as "in a relationship" but he calls me his girlfriend I went with him to his hometown to his sisters wedding last month, blah blah blah...

Anyways, so the last few months, we've been seeing less and less of eachother, and it's mostly just because...he's become "busy". I've done a little research, and at first i thought maybe he was seeing someone else...but I'm pretty sure it's not that. There's still pictures of us in his room, some of my stuff is at his place, we live in a pretty small town, i've asked around a bit, even went through his phone and found nothing...

I've let him know that i feel like somethings not right, and tried to "talk" about it several times, but he always avoids the conversation. It's gotten so bad lately that he almost never wants to hang out when the conversations might come up, like we don't do anything like go out to eat, chill at one of our places, or anything else that i can think of when the conversation could come up. I work odd hours during the day and night (i'm a hair stylist) and he works most nights and weekends at a bar, and different hours during the day doing construction. When we do get together it's almost always in a group setting and we have fun, more often than not go out and have some drinks...he usually drinks more than he should, and by the time the night is over, it never really feels right to start up a serious conversation...even when i try, he turns it into a joke, and acts like i'm blowing things outta proportion and shrugs it off...

Then about a week ago, we we're at his place, he was taking a shower, and i couldn't find my phone, i picked his up to call mine...and "gutter *itch"(witch with a b) popped up on his screen...I knew i hadn't always been saved as that, he'd just gotten a new phone a few weeks earlier, and in his old phone i was saved as "nijki" because the first time he saved my number in his phone he saved it wrong- blah blah so anyways he had kept it in there wrong because it was a long running joke/story thing he had I do not know.....anyways so when i saw "gutter *itch" i freaked out,
i waited til he was about to get outta the shower, and then grabbed all my things.
He was like "what's wrong where are you going?"
i replyed "I don't know, but I dont want to be a "gutter *itch" so i think i'm leaving"
...and he freaked out like "omg what are you talking about..i can't believe you would go through my phone, we've been together for too long for that kinda stuff it's not even a big deal anyways, i can't believe you're mad" <- that's an edited version, but i'm sure you get the point....anyways he totally tried to flip the situation, i told him honestly i didnt even know what it meant but that i really wasn't cool with it, he told me he's just saved it in there a week or so, then started to go into a story, then got angry and told me he was going to the bar (it's right next door)... so i left

He called the next day, and the conversation went okay, he acted like nothing happened...So i asked....and that again sent him off on a tangent...He told me i was over re-acting, and he had to go, he'd call me later.

I sent him a text later that day, apologizing for going threw his phone...And let him know that I'd looked up the term...and to my surprise i found more semi "pleasant" things associated with it than negative...and that i really didn't know what to think, but i really thought we should talk, and he should hit me up when he felt like talking.

So it's been all of what....4 days? Which i know isn't a long time, but it has been a long time since we've really talked, and I do not know what's going on? I know at some point he'll probably call, and if i just ignore the things i want to talk about...things will go great, but if i try to bring them up, it'll create a huge ordeal...so ladies fellas, any advice? i'm lost, and i miss him...alot :(

   

   

lilritty923
Re: When a relationship is going sour?

yikes i think this mighta been more appropriate for a blog, i'm kinda new at all this...sorry about that guys!

animestrinity
Re: When a relationship is going sour?

In my experience, anyone who tries to turn the blame on you for something they did wrong (the whole gutter*itch into you overreacting and going through his phone) is usually hiding something... not necessarily cheating... but just something... (especially any guy that freaks out for 'going through his phone')

Also in my experience, any guy who tries to take any slightly negative situation and turn you into the bad guy is usually looking for a way out of the 'relationship'... they just don't have the b*lls to man up and do it... so they exaggerate situations, make themselves look like a d*ck so that YOU'LL break up with them...

He might still be holding on for some stupid guy-reason...

But I could be completely wrong since I don't fully know your situation.  Beware if you ever hear him say 'why don't you just leave/breakup with me, then?!'... that's pretty much a neon sign telling you that things will not work out.

As far as I'm concerned, with what I read... you weren't going through his phone when you found your new nickname... you were calling yours to find it... that's a completely logical thing to do in that situation... so his freaking out about it was the over-reaction, not your disliking being called gutter*itch.

That's just my opinion from the information you gave. The possibilities are endless... he could be depressed... work could be stressing him... maybe there's some family drama he hasn't told you about...

maybe it's just a funk in the relationship that will pass... try putting the 'negative' talk on the backburner (anything that he considers negative anyway) and act like everything is great... try to go out doing fun things a little more (don't give up if he says he doesn't want to a few times)... if you can turn the 'funk' into something good and fun for a bit, and he still continues to act this way, then something is probably wrong... if his mood picks up and things get good again, then it was probably just a rut that needed to be gotten out of.

 

_______________________________________________________

lilritty923
Re: When a relationship is going sour?

I definitely see what your saying on the reverse psychology stuff...I feel that way too, it's just when it's your own situation, your mind seems to have a way of telling you you MIGHT be wrong...I've even considered the fact that he's ready to get out of the relationship, asked him more than once if that's what he wanted...and he swears no, acts like i'm being crazy...says i'd know if that was the case, he'd be gone...i wasn't going through his phone that time but there was no convincing him of that, and i think i let him "have that" because, well i have a couple times lately...and found SQUAT, i almost wanted to, as bad as that sounds....at least then i'd understand what's going on...it's so much worse not knowing, and i think you could be right that it's something else...but whatever it is, i just can't think of what it could be that is making him almost completely shut down...except, i do feel like his drinking is getting outta control, it's not that he does "outta control" things when he drinks, he's usually a happy drunk, but man, I do not know i sure couldn't work his schedule, and drink like he does working at that bar every night...i've casually tried mentioning it to him, but it's a no go "im being crazy"...and thinking about it... the increased distance, may be he's trying to hide some of that from me...

i feel like i should just let him have his space for awhile, lol maybe even miss me a little bit...but i'm scared that could make things worse...but what i'm doing definitly hasn't been working

Almost Evil
Re: When a relationship is going sour?

 I just have one lil comment...

If any guy i was dating (let alone serious with) saved me in his phone as "gutter*itch" without some SERIOUSLY WELL KNOW joke behind it- there'd be very little chance hed be hearing from me again. Ever. And I dont even care what his reason is. Thats immature and disrepectful. I couldnt date anyone who thought it was ok to treat me that way.

As far as him trying to say, oh how dare u go thru his things? If y'all are having sex, going through his phone is hardly a crime. You share MUCH more than a phone, so he needs to chill the *f* out- unless he has something to hide.

 

"If lightning strikes twice, I dont want to be standing next to you! "

lilritty923
Re: When a relationship is going sour?

you know those were almost my exact initial feelings...maybe a little more "hurt" and caught off gaurd that HE tried to get mad at ME but, i'm glad to hear SOMEONE thought it was as horrible as I did...because he sure made me feel like i was being a 2 year old about it! thanks for the advice :)

lone wolf
Re: When a relationship is going sour?

i know i am not the best source for relationship advice because ive never been in a stable one myself and they never seem to last long but i would recogmend sitting down with him and asking questions like why do yo ulove me and listen to his responses if tehir shallow or not really meaningful then i would get out of it asap as far as the gutter***** thing thats not cool and unless its an inside joke or something i personally wouldent tolerate it i am sorry it isnt working out for you i feel youre pain and ive gone through crap like this before so i know where youre coming from if yo uever need someone to talk to feel free to PM me i usually respond within a day or so sometimes a few hours anyways i wish yo uthe best of luck

 

 

 

\~~adam

lilritty923
Re: When a relationship is going sour?

There's just no sitting down with him and having a talk right now...he just won't have it...though i'd love to...and i sure wish someone like you could talk some sense into him about right now....lol thank you so much for the advice :), talking it out with people like you has definitely made it a whee bit less painful...and stopped me from texting him..which i'd normally...be doing by now...

Hot2na
Re: When a relationship is going sour?

lilritty923 wrote:
i couldn't find my phone, i picked his up to call mine...and "gutter *itch"(witch with a b) popped up on his screen...I knew i hadn't always been saved as that, he'd just gotten a new phone a few weeks earlier, and in his old phone i was saved as "nijki"

okay...that right there sounds like something a jealous chick would do if she had access to his phone and seen "nijki" on his phone. so maybe he didn't make the name change. perhaps it was another female that did. if that was the case, you deserve better. a man should defend is woman at all costs. don't let anyone change who you are. don't be so available or needy. clingy chicks are a turn off and quickly become a reliable booty call source.

><))))'>  

lilritty923
Re: When a relationship is going sour?

true that...he does work at a bar...and i'm sure he's vented to them a time or two, who doesn't to their co-workers, especially in that setting...could be SOMETHING developing, and he's sure not trying to STOP it...if that's the case...people prolley don't usually reply individually to all of these...but it's keeping me from contacting him...i usually always break first...but good call with that!

Wonderland
Re: When a relationship is going sour?

the truth of the matter is that any guy that freaks out about something like that, does usually end up having some sort of secret he's trying to hide.  whether it's something terrible or not, there's a reason for it.  also, there's no reason for your boyfriend to have you in his phone under 'gutter b!tch'.  none.  and no reason for you to allow yourself to give anymore of your time to someone who would refer to you that way, and doesn't even want to acknowledge that's something's changed.

yeah it's hard to let go of someone you care about and have grown used to being close to.  but it's even harder when you look back someday and realize how much of your time you gave to someone who wasn't treating you well...just something to think about...hope things work out for the best, whatever that may be for you. :)

 

 

"Your typical city involved in a typical daydream.  Hang it up and see what tomorrow brings."

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